The fear of living : $b (La peur de vivre)Bordeaux, Henry
General
The fear of living : $b (La peur de vivre)
Bordeaux, Henry
French fiction -- Translations into English
From this tolerable time in her existence her thoughts travelled on to
the present, which was always with her. After a series of unforeseen
incidents, the regiment stationed at Chambéry had been designated for a
distant Eastern garrison. M. de Marthenay tried to exchange, but it was
impossible. He had either to go away and leave Savoy, or to spoil his
career. At the prospect of this departure Madame Dulaurens had shown
such violent grief that the young wife was foolish enough to remind her
husband of the solemn promise he had made her when they became engaged.
As a man of honor the dragoon sacrificed himself. In twenty-four hours
he had resigned. He then gave way to his idle instincts, which a
soldier’s life had kept in check. And from that time he went steadily
from bad to worse.
He began by becoming a constant habitué of the cafés. In summer he was
a member of the Club at Aix-le-Bains and of the Villa des Fleurs. He
began to play baccarat and won. While his wife was slowly recovering
after their child’s birth he was engaged in low adventures, and
reports were spread about concerning him by the visitors to these
watering-places. One day Alice learned of his base unfaithfulness. She
had kept her innocence after her marriage and learnt the cruel fact
of unfaithfulness before she well knew what unfaithfulness meant. She
rebelled against it, but instead of finding the repentance which she
expected and could have pardoned, she received only this humiliating
answer:
“You wanted me to resign the service and I resigned. You have only
yourself to blame if I try to make up for the loss of my career in my
own way. A man must have something to do. I sacrificed the object of my
life for your sake. What have you given up in return?”
Overwhelmed at his reproaches she retired into herself from that time
and wrapped herself in a mournful silence. She was not resigned, but
she followed the bent of her passive nature.
Losses at cards soured M. de Marthenay’s character. After the
season, idle and unsettled, he began to drink. His wife saw him try
to captivate her friend Isabelle before her very eyes, and was so
discouraged that she noted his failure with indifference. Thus she was
obliged to follow the only too rapid phases of his fall, of which she
was perhaps indirectly the cause. She could not shut her eyes to it,
yet felt the impossibility of saving him.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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