The fear of living : $b (La peur de vivre)Bordeaux, Henry
General
The fear of living : $b (La peur de vivre)
Bordeaux, Henry
French fiction -- Translations into English
It was only since he had learnt how transitory it is that he had
enjoyed the beauty of nature in its fulness. Young people do not
understand the value of existence as they run heedlessly after
pleasure, frivolity, distraction and all that hastens, while it hides,
the flight of time. It is danger, passion, love’s melancholy, the sight
of death; it is the deep sorrows which bring them to a sudden halt
before life’s unmasked face, as when at the bottom of a garden path one
suddenly comes upon a cold marble statue under the branches. How can he
who would ignore the night feel with the same ecstasy as we the glory
of the daylight that must go and of the shapes that the darkness must
swallow?
Jean had reached the zenith of his youth, and was wiser. Another and
a deeper sky, another country, sterile and bare, had developed and
perfected his understanding. Above all, new and tragic emotions had
struck at his heart with a terrible force, like that of the sculptor’s
chisel which causes the useless chips to fly from the stone which is
to grow into a statue. Inspired by gratitude for the lessons which
he had learnt, he connected his full, passionate appreciation of
this spring morning with that crimson dawn on which he had seen his
friend die. In the death of the leader after victory, in the pierced
forehead behind which the brain so lately lived, in the heart now cold
which had been the home of love, in the face of all that strength and
courage, shattered like a tree in its vigor; in all these things was
manifest the frailty of human life, by contrast with which the light
of day shines the brighter. With Marcel’s face on the ground before
him--beautiful in its serene, grave stillness, in its calm, touching
repose, never to be forgotten amid the surrounding scene--he had felt
alike the wish to live fully and without fear and the desire to deny
the everlasting presence of death.
The old gate at Le Maupas was open as of old. Jean went up the chestnut
avenue, breathing in the scent of the blossoms. He knew that in a
few minutes the tears would flow again, sad but salutary too. At the
crunching of the gravel in the courtyard, an old woman who was seated
on the steps, working with slow hands in the cool morning air, arose.
Her eyes sought the visitor. She saw who it was.
“Is that you, Jean? How I have waited for you!”
At the first glance, he took in the marks of her sufferings. She was
more bent, and her hair was whiter. But he recognized with surprise on
her thin face an expression of peace which he had seen before.
“Madame Guibert!” he cried.
He sped up the steps and, bending forward with his natural grace,
kissed her. Madame Guibert vainly tried to keep back her tears and
murmured Marcel’s name.
“Come in,” she said at last. “We shall be able to speak of him better
in the drawing-room.”
She led the way with lagging steps. Then she opened a door and called:
“Paule! Here is Jean Berlier!”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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