The fear of living : $b (La peur de vivre)Bordeaux, Henry
General
The fear of living : $b (La peur de vivre)
Bordeaux, Henry
French fiction -- Translations into English
Bent and weary, her heart obsessed by memories, Madame Guibert left
it to Paule to accompany the Captain to the gate. She watched them
disappear, thinking tenderly of what might be. She commended Paule’s
future to God and went back to ponder in solitude over the sorrowful
story she had heard.
Paule and Jean had said good-bye at the end of the avenue. The young
man paused to follow the tall, graceful figure gliding through the
trees. At the same moment the girl, too, turned round. She blushed at
the coincidence and bravely came back that no awkwardness might remain.
“Jean,” she murmured with emotion, “I have never thanked you enough for
my brother, who was a little yours too, nor for my mother, to whom your
letters and your visit have done so much good. You have been good to
us. I could not tell you before, so I came back.”
The emotion which stirred her made her more tender, more human.
“Oh, no,” said the young man. “Do not thank me. Was I not Marcel’s
friend?--and our fathers loved each other.”
They stood face to face, not finding words. They felt a certain
shyness, which they wished by turns to banish and to prolong. Jean
could see against Paule’s cheek the long lashes shading the downcast
eyes.
“Listen,” he said at last. “In Marcel’s tunic there was something
beside your mother’s last letter--This photograph was found too. I
thought I would give it back to you--yourself.”
He gave her a faded photograph, in which she recognised a path in the
garden of Le Maupas and on it two little girls of ten or twelve--one
fair, the other dark; one sitting quiet, gazing with eyes astonished
at the world, the other caught in a lively pose. They were Alice and
herself.
“Oh!” she said. And in a dull voice she asked: “Did he never speak of
her to you?”
“No, never.”
She let the picture fall dully on the gravel of the path. Unable to
contain herself any longer, she wept helplessly.
Jean took her hand.
“I often thought,” said he, “out there in Africa, how stupid fate was.
Why did I not die in his place? Nobody would have wept for me.”
What could she answer? Her dark eyes shone with a sudden light. She
picked up the photograph before he had time to bend down.
“Thank you, Jean. Come and see us again soon. It would be a charity.”
He looked at her a moment and then departed. She went back slowly
through the garden. Her eyes wandered over the flowers. She picked a
rose and for the first time in the year felt a little joy at its scent.
She thought of her brother’s death in an unexpected way and repeated
Jean’s words, of whose lesson she felt the full force: “We must honor
the dead but we must also have faith in life.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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