The fear of living : $b (La peur de vivre)Bordeaux, Henry
General
The fear of living : $b (La peur de vivre)
Bordeaux, Henry
French fiction -- Translations into English
He gave her his arm, answering in dull accents: “Madame Guibert, you
know that I must not come in any more. But I will take you back as far
as the door.”
The golden splashes of twilight sought to blend with the thick trunks
of the chestnuts. Daylight was fighting obstinately with darkness.
Slowly and silently the pair walked over the gravel of the avenue. At
the foot of the steps, as he was going to bid her good-bye she said:
“Come in with me. I want to talk to you. Paule is not in the
drawing-room.”
He tried to resist, then gave way indifferently and followed Madame
Guibert. He was like a condemned man, who does not believe in the
chaplain’s consolations and yet listens to him.
When he had shut the door she turned to him and taking his two hands
looked at him steadily with her clear eyes.
“She has refused to be your wife?”
“She ran away in tears.”
“Jean, my dear Jean, you did not understand.”
Her affectionate words soothed his pain, but also had the effect of
softening his resolution, and he was ready to burst into tears.
“I am sure she does not love me,” he said. “I love her _so_ much.”
She let go his hands and leaned against the table, seeming to collect
her thoughts. What she was making up her mind to say was so serious.
Could she answer for her daughter’s heart? Was she indeed sure that she
herself quite understood? She looked at the young man whom she wished
to have for her son, and remembered how loyal and brave he had been in
the past. Above all she thought of Paule’s loving nature and her life
in the days to come. Reassured, she smiled at Jean and spoke at last.
“You are quite wrong, Jean. Paule loves you.”
He shook his head. “Oh, no, Madame, do not trouble yourself to find
explanations. Let me go away.”
“Do you think mothers can no longer guess their daughter’s secrets?”
She paused and then spoke out her thoughts.
“Paule loves you. Did you not understand that she was sacrificing
herself for me?”
“For you?” he repeated. “How so?”
He looked attentively at Madame Guibert. His youth rebelled at the
thought of defeat and already he was full of a new hope. Still she was
not surprised that he had not guessed her meaning. She answered almost
apologetically:
“Did you not tell her that you were leaving for Tonkin?”
“Yes, I did.”
“She did not want to go away from me, Jean. And that is why she left
you in tears. But she loves you. Did not her tears tell you that?”
At last his own selfishness was clear to him, and he stood stupidly
before the woman whose existence he had forgotten. He had been
preparing to leave her in loneliness and yet a few minutes ago she had
said nothing when he had asked her for the gift of her last child.
Madame Guibert repeated, as he maintained his silence: “She did not
wish to leave me all alone.” And with a faint smile she added, “Does
that surprise you, Jean?”
He was still silent, trying to master the feeling that was overwhelming
him. The old lady went on in her gentle, resolute voice:
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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