The fear of living : $b (La peur de vivre)Bordeaux, Henry
General
The fear of living : $b (La peur de vivre)
Bordeaux, Henry
French fiction -- Translations into English
She thought of her husband’s splendid courage and her little Paule’s
lost dowry. In what had all these sacrifices ended? And was money to be
henceforth the only thing that could command respect and esteem?
But her sufferings were not yet at an end. Madame Dulaurens, with that
ease which society life supplies, went on boldly, with a smile on her
lips:
“Captain Guibert has had a magnificent career. Decorated so young! You
know that nobody appreciates his worth more than I. How you must have
suffered through this long, long Madagascar campaign! We thought of you
so often and pitied and envied you at the same time. And tell me, has
he quite gotten over the effects of those dreadful fevers which take so
long to cure?”
The cup was full. Madame Guibert could not answer. If she had tried
to speak she would have Burst into tears. They had touched the sacred
place in her heart, her children. To sacrifice your fortune to save
the honor of your name, to give your sons for your country, to expose
them to death, only to hear wicked, lying allusions, discrediting
disinterestedness and heroism, and to have to accept them in the face
of that coterie which is called society!
But Madame Dulaurens went on savagely defending her own and giving her
unhappy defenceless victim one wound after another.
“I cannot tell you anything definite, Madame, one way or the other. I
will faithfully submit your offer to my daughter and let you know her
answer soon. It is the fashion nowadays to consult young girls about
their inclinations. But I foresee that the prospect of a separation
cannot fail to frighten the dear child, for she has been accustomed
to be near me, near us. We have never left each other. I admire your
strength of mind. One of your girls is a nun in Paris, is she not? Two
of your sons are in Tonkin. Captain Guibert is going back to Algiers.
How brave you are, and what an example to all those mothers who love
their children too much!”
“And so you think I love them less than those other mothers do,” Madame
Guibert would have liked to answer. “Every time they left me my heart
was torn, yet I bore them as I could, all those heartrending good-byes,
and I said nothing, fearing to weaken them who were leaving me to go
abroad and fill a wider sphere, or to hamper them by keeping them
beside me. I have always encouraged them to use all the talents that
God gave them. And what you do not know, Madame, is that separation,
far from lessening a mother’s and a son’s love, purifies and ennobles
it. It takes away their natural selfishness and invests them with that
immortal beauty of sacrifice, in which joy and devotion are mingled.”
But her lips remained speechless. Later she remembered all the minutest
details of this scene, only to be intensely humiliated by it and even
to see in it, in her religious feeling, the punishment of the too great
pride that she had in the number and qualities of her children.
Madame Dulaurens had not stopped talking long.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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