The fear of living : $b (La peur de vivre)Bordeaux, Henry
General
The fear of living : $b (La peur de vivre)
Bordeaux, Henry
French fiction -- Translations into English
She still stood silent and motionless. She foresaw both the
impossibility of the struggle with her mother and the equal
impossibility of marriage with M. de Marthenay. She did not know how
much we can shape our destiny when we dare to grasp it with a firm
hand. Love was opening all the great gateways of life to her, and she
was terrified. What had she done to God that her choice should depend
on herself alone? Why could she not follow a smooth and easy path? Thus
paralysed with fear she could make no choice.
Why did he not talk about his grief? She was so agitated that she would
have been moved to pity and would have given her promise. If he had
tried to draw her to him as he had already done, she would not have
refused him. She would at last have laid her head on his brave heart.
But he wanted her as a free gift. He waited and as this wait was
prolonged he looked more and more pityingly at the poor child whose
love was so wavering. Neither shame, nor shyness, nor natural reserve
could explain her silence. Their case was too grave that she should
hesitate to speak out if she wished to. The obstacles which separated
them were only the barriers of vanity and selfishness, not difficult
to overcome. She loved, but still she said nothing. He recognised that
their paths were not the same. He drew himself up to his full height in
disdainful pity. He was able, however, to master his pride sufficiently
to say gently to her:
“No, Alice, don’t promise me anything. I give you back the word that
you gave Paule for me. You haven’t the strength to love.”
In a firm, even voice he added, as he let her little, cold, unresisting
hand fall:
“Good-bye, Mademoiselle Dulaurens, we shall never meet again.”
She saw him disappear down the path where the shadows of the dying day
were beginning to fade. He did not turn back. He was already out of
sight and yet she still looked after him. The woods were quivering in
the evening breeze.
A leaf fell from a tree and in its flight it touched Alice’s hair. At
this foreboding of winter she felt death round her--within her.
Like two gay dancing phantoms Isabelle and Jean appeared under the
oaks. They found her rooted to the spot where Marcel had left her.
When they were about to speak to her, she fled without a word and
ran towards the house to hide her misery. It did not occur to her to
tell her trouble to Jean Berlier, who could still have saved her from
disaster. She reached her room, hid her face in her hands, and wept.
But even in her grief she did not think of struggling and gave herself
up to the fate that she felt to be inevitable.
After Alice’s flight, Isabelle and Jean looked at each other
astonished. “I don’t understand it,” he cried. “I understand quite
well,” answered she. “Here’s another who is afraid. We are all alike
nowadays. We want money and no risks. I know only one girl who would go
to the ends of the world for love, in a dress that cost twopence.”
“Who is that?”
“Paule Guibert.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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