It was truly a terrible dilemma in which she now found herself. Exiled from her daughter for so many years, and all through her own fault, yet she had been quite unable to stifle the natural instinct in her heart. It may be that the desire to be near her daughter constantly was all the stronger because she knew it was out of the question, and the enforced suppression of her love in her own breast had given the pleasure of living with Kaituna, even as a servant, a peculiar charm of its own. It will doubtless be argued by some people that a woman who could give up her child for the sake of a lover, could not have had much maternal instinct; but then it must be recollected that Mrs. Belswin had then acted on the impulse of a moment in doing so, and had regretted her folly ever since. When she thought of all she had lost for one moment of folly it made her mad with rage, and she would have sacrificed anything to regain her forfeited position. Thanks to her knowledge of how matters stood, and her own dexterity, she had been enabled to gain her ends for at least some months, but now her husband was coming home again she knew that she would have to seek refuge in flight. She was a bold woman, a determined woman, and all her life's happiness was at stake, yet she knew it was perfectly useless to appeal to her husband for pity or help. By her own act she had forfeited her right to approach him, and the act had brought its own bitter punishment, by robbing her of the delight of gratifying her strong maternal instinct. Like a tiger who desires more blood when he has once tasted it, Mrs. Belswin had just experienced sufficient delight in being near her child to make her passionately regret having to depart. Plan after plan she thought of and rejected as useless, because she saw quite plainly that she could do nothing against the position held by her husband. Law, society, morality were all against her, and she could only stand afar off weeping bitterly as she surveyed the paradise from which she had banished herself. "Oh, I could kill Rupert! I could kill him," she thought madly, "but that would do no good. If I thought it would I should not hesitate. I dare not tell Kaituna the truth, because she would shrink from me. Rupert, once he knows I am here will not let me remain. If I sold my soul it would be useless. I can do nothing except bear my punishment till I die." Suddenly an idea came into her head. Suppose Rupert Pethram were to die before he came to Thornstream. In that case she would still retain her position, and be happy for the rest of her life. But then there was no chance of him dying--a healthy, strong man. And unless something happened he would return to Thornstream and turn her out on the world. "If the ship would only go down! If God would only unchain the winds of heaven and dash the ship to pieces on the rocks."