The death of the child meant more to Winifred than she would at first
acknowledge even to herself. Almost unconsciously she had looked forward
to its birth as to a release from bondage. There are moments when a duet
is gaol, a trio comparative liberty. The child, the tiny intruder into
youthful married life, may come in the guise of an imp or of a good
fairy: one to cloud the perfect and complete joy of two, or one to give
sunlight to their nascent weariness and dissatisfaction. Or, again, it
may be looked for with longing by one of two lovers, with apprehension
by the other. Only when it lay dead did Winifred understand that Eustace
was to her a stranger, and that she was lonely alone with him. The “Au
revoir” of two bodies may be sweet, but the “Au revoir” of two minds is
generally but a hypocritical or sarcastic rendering of the tragic word
“Adieu.” Winifred’s mind cried “Au revoir” to the mind of Eustace, to
his nature, to his love, but deep in her soul trembled the minor music,
the shuddering discord, of “Adieu.” Adieu to the body of child; adieu
more complete, more eternal, to the soul of husband. Which good bye was
the stranger? She stood as at cross-roads, and watched, with hand-shaded
eyes, the tiny, wayward babe dwindling on its journey to heaven; the man
she had married dwindling on his journey--whither? And the one she had a
full hope of meeting again, but the other----
After the funeral the Lanes took up once more the old dual life which
had been momentarily interrupted. Had it not been for the interruption,
Winifred fancied that she might not have awakened to the full knowledge
of her own feelings towards Eustace until a much later period. But the
baby’s birth, existence, passing away, were a blow upon the gate of life
from the vague without. She had opened the gate, caught a glimpse of the
shadowy land of the possible. And to do that is often to realize in a
flash the impossibility of one’s individual fate. So many of us manage
to live ignorantly all our days and to call ourselves happy. Winifred
could never live quite ignorantly again.
To Eustace the interruption meant much less. So long as he had Winifred
he could not feel that any of his dreams hung altogether in tatters.
Sometimes, it is true, he contemplated the penny toys, and had a moment
of quaint, not unpleasant regret, half forming the thought, Why do we
ever trouble ourselves to prepare happiness for others, when happiness
is a word of a thousand meanings? As often as not, to do so is to set
a dinner of many courses and many wines before an unknown guest, who
proves to be vegetarian and teetotaler, after all.
“What shall I do with the toys?” he asked Winifred one day.
“The toys? Oh, give them to a children’s hospital,” she said, and her
voice had a harsh note in it.
“No,” he answered, after a moment’s reflection; “I’ll keep them and play
with them myself; you know I love toys.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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