“There, forgive me once more, and let me try if I cannot amend a temper
that any but yourself had grown weary of correcting. I'll work--I'll
labor--I'll submit--I'll accept the daily rubs of life, as others take
them, and you shall be satisfied with me. We shall go back to all our
old pursuits, my dear Billy. I'll join all your ecstasies over Æschylus,
and believe as much as I can of Herodotus, to please you. You shall lead
me to all the wonders of the stars, and dazzle me with the brightness of
visions that my intellect is lost in; and in revenge I only ask that you
should sit with me in the studio, and read to me some of those songs of
Horace that move the heart like old wine. Shall I own to you what it is
which sways me thus uncertainly,--jarring every chord of my existence,
making life a sea of stormy conflict? Shall I tell you?”
He grasped the other's hand with both his own as he spoke, and, while
his lips quivered in strong emotion, went on:--
“It is this, then. I cannot forget, do all that I will, I cannot root
out of my heart what I once believed myself to be. You know what I mean.
Well, there it is still, like the sense of a wrong or foul injustice,
as though I had been robbed and cheated of what never was mine! This
contrast between the life my earliest hopes had pictured, and that which
I am destined to, never leaves me. All your teachings--and I have seen
how devotedly you have addressed yourself to this lesson--have not
eradicated from my nature the proud instincts that guided my childhood.
Often and often have you warmed my blood by thoughts of a triumph to be
achieved by me hereafter,--how men should recognize me as a genius, and
elevate me to honors and rewards; and yet would I barter such success,
ten thousand times told, for an hour of that high station that comes
by birth alone, independent of all effort,--the heirloom of deeds
chronicled centuries back, whose actors have been dust for ages. That is
real pride,” cried he, enthusiastically, “and has no alloy of the petty
vanity that mingles with the sense of a personal triumph.”
Traynor hung his head heavily as the youth spoke, and a gloomy
melancholy settled on his features; the sad conviction came home to him
of all his counsels being fruitless, all his teachings in vain; and as
the boy sat wrapped in a wild, dreamy revery of ancestral greatness, the
humble peasant brooded darkly over the troubles such a temperament might
evoke.
“It is agreed, then,” cried Massy, suddenly, “that we are to accept of
this great man's bounty, live under his roof, and eat his bread. Well,
I accede,--as well his as another's. Have you seen the home they destine
for us?”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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