Horace Campbell has an unerring gift of smudging whatever he speaks of. As he speaks most of the time, he manages to smudge a good deal, and in consequence is in great demand at somewhat smudgy houses by reason of his appropriate and amusing conversation. Every decent man would like to kick him, and every nice woman would like to slap his fat white face, and so his habitats are the establishments of those not so foolishly particular. But though he lunches and dines without intermission at other people’s houses, he is in no degree one who sings for his dinner, for he has a quite distinct career of his own, and spends his mornings earning not daily bread only, but truffles and asparagus and all the more expensive foods, by teaching other people to sing. His knowledge of voice-production is quite unrivalled, and he could probably, if he chose, turn a corn-crake into a contralto. The enormous fees that he charges thus enable him to compress into three hours the period of his working day, and during that time he is the father and mother of most of the beautiful noises that next year will be heard rising from human throats at concerts and opera-houses. Then, his business being over and his pocket fat, he puts on his black morning coat, and his cloth-topped shoes, his grey silk tie with the pearl tie-pin, and goes forth to cause himself as well as his pocket to grow fat, and makes a music of his own. Now his thesis, his working hypothesis, the basis of his conversation, is this. There are always several possible causes which may account for all that happens in the busy little world of London, and in discussing such happenings, he invariably assumes the smudgiest and more scandalous cause. A few instances will make this clear. Example (1): John Smith is engaged to Eliza Jones. Possible causes: (i.) John Smith loves Eliza Jones and Eliza Jones loves John Smith. (ii.) John Smith is after Eliza Jones’s money. (iii.) It was high time that John Smith _did_ marry Eliza Jones. Of these possible causes Horace Campbell leaves cause (i.) out of the question as not worth consideration. Cause (ii.) may account for it, but he invariably prefers cause (iii.). Or again-- Example (2): Mrs. Snookes went to the opera with Mr. Snookes. Probable causes: (i.) Husband and wife went to the opera because they like going to the opera. (ii.) Mrs. Snookes has an affair with the famous tenor Signor Topnotari. (iii.) Mr. Snookes is paid £2:2:0 a night to applaud the soprano Signora Beeinalt. It is idle to point out which cause Horace Campbell proceeds to discuss. Example (3): An eminent statesman goes into the country for a week-end. Possible causes: (i.) The eminent statesman needs rest. (ii.) ‘Somebody’ goes with him. Horace Campbell’s law of causation again applies.