The Freaks of MayfairBenson, E. F. (Edward Frederic)
General
The Freaks of Mayfair
Benson, E. F. (Edward Frederic)
England -- Social life and customs -- 20th century -- Fiction; Humorous stories, English; Short stories, English
Horace Campbell is perhaps the priest of this little nest of asps, and
without doubt the priestess is the amazing Mrs. Dealtry, now flaming in
the sunset of her witty discontented life. She is tall and corpulent,
with wonderful vitality and quantities of auburn hair and carmine lip
salve, and mauve scarves, and when she and Horace Campbell get together,
as they do two or three times a day, to discuss their friends, those who
die, so to speak, and are dismissed by them, are the lucky ones, for the
rest they drive with whips through the London streets, without a rag of
reputation to cover them. She, like Horace, has plenty of humour, and if
the sight of a wrinkled old woman with a painted face, and one
high-heeled foot in the grave, dealing out horrible innuendoes like a
pack of cards, does not make you feel sick, you will enjoy her
conversation very much. Years ago she started the theory that Horace was
devotedly attached to her, and for her sake committed celibacy, and
though she has changed her friends more often than she changes her
dress, she still sticks to the gratifying belief that she has wrecked
his life.
‘Horace might have done anything,’ she is accustomed to say, ‘but he
would always waste his time on me. Poor Horace! such a dear, isn’t he,
but how much aged in this last year or two. And I can’t think why
somebody doesn’t tell him to have his teeth attended to.’
Then as Horace entered the room she made a place for him on the sofa.
‘Monster, come here at once,’ she said. ‘Now what is the truth about
Lady Genge’s sudden disappearance? I am told he simply turned her out of
the house, which any decent man would have done years ago.’
‘He did,’ said Horace, ‘and she always came in again by the back door.
This time he has turned her out of the back door. On dit que “Cherchez
le valet.”’
Mrs. Dealtry gave a little scream of laughter.
‘Last time it was the girl’s music master,’ she said. ‘She will never
take servants with a character.’
‘Character for what?’ asked Horace. ‘Sobriety?’
‘She was at the opera three nights ago, but blind drunk, though you
mustn’t repeat that. I’m told she had her tiara upside down with the
points over her forehead. Alice Chignonette, as I call her, was with
her, a small horse-hair bun glued with seccotine to the back of her
head. She hadn’t got any clothes on, but was slightly distempered.’
‘She always is slightly distempered, except when she holds four aces and
four queens, and has seen the whole of her opponent’s hand so that she
knows whether to finesse or not. And is it true that the Weasel has
stopped her allowance?’
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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