The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A NovelYellott, George
General
The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A Novel
Yellott, George
Fiction
"Have you, or have you not, made, very recently, a critical examination
of the cranium of the prisoner at the bar?"
"I answer, most unequivocally, I have."
"Can you inform the jury what are the respective developments of the
prisoner's organs of alimentiveness, acquisitiveness, and
conscientiousness?"
Here the opposite counsel rose and objected to the question; saying that
the introduction of such testimony was wholly unwarranted by any of the
established rules of evidence.
After an argument of some length, the court decided that the testimony
in relation to the phrenological developments of Sam was inadmissible.
Thereupon Professor Boneskull retired from the stand, carrying both
heads with him as he went.
"Mr. Pate, have you any further testimony to offer?" inquired the court.
"None whatever," was the mournful response.
"Then, gentlemen, go before the jury," said the judge.
The remarks of the Commonwealth's attorney, which were very brief, are
not remembered; but a portion of Mr. Pate's great argument has been
retained in the memory of men in a fine state of preservation. He spoke
as follows:
"May it please your Honor, and gentlemen of the jury,--No advocate ever
rose to address a Christian jury under so many and such tremendous
disadvantages as now encompass me and my unfortunate but innocent and
virtuous client. The prisoner is unjustly and falsely accused of
stealing the Widow Wild's hog; and that ruthless woman is here to-day
with a heart of flint in her bosom, and with all the influence which the
wealth she has grasped and retained with the harpy hand of avarice
enables her to exert,--she is here to-day not to prosecute, but to
persecute, to calumniate, to crush, and to ruin this poor, unfriended,
innocent, and unoffending African.
"There is another disadvantage under which my client labors. In the
language of a great Roman poet, _hic est niger_, and while men of the
Caucasian race are tried by their peers, that sacred right is withheld
from Sam, simply because he is an African, although it is possible, and
even probable, that he has royal blood in his veins as one of the
descendants of the heroic kings of Timbuctoo. Has not Sam the right to
be tried by his peers? and who in that jury-box can be considered as the
peer of Sam?
"Gentlemen of the jury, I am aware of the tremendous peril which now
environs my client; and I know that my zeal in behalf of this unhappy
criminal has made me many enemies; but, in the eloquent language of that
venerable patriot and signer of our glorious Declaration of
Independence, old John Adams, 'Sink or swim, live or die, survive or
perish,' I give my heart and my voice in defense of Sam.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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