The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A NovelYellott, George
General
The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A Novel
Yellott, George
Fiction
"Did not the great Cicero defy public opinion when he stood before
Pompey in defense of Milo, who had been indicted for the murder of the
unprincipled Clodius? Did not the celebrated William H. Seward brave
public prejudice when he boldly defended the negro Freeman, who had
murdered six or seven white men and women in a single night? And shall I
hesitate to risk my popularity by defending this innocent African who
has stolen the Widow Wild's hog?
"Gentlemen, may my right hand wither, and my tongue cleave to the roof
of my mouth, when I am afraid to lift my voice to advocate the cause of
my innocent and calumniated client.
"Gentlemen, Luther Martin was one of the greatest lawyers in America,
and did he not say, in his celebrated speech in defense of Aaron Burr,
that 'the law presumes every man to be innocent until he is proved to be
guilty?' And where is the proof of guilt in this case? Do they expect
you to believe the testimony of Simon Rump? Who is Simon Rump? A
miserable and deluded man, who sees a thousand things which never had
any existence except in his disordered imagination. Rump swore on that
stand that he had never seen a psychological illusion.
"Gentlemen, I watched his countenance when he made that statement under
oath, and I observed his lip quiver and his cheek turn pale, for Simon
Rump knew that he was swearing to an unmitigated falsehood. Did he not
on a recent occasion mistake a hickory stick for a snake? and afterwards
use it as a telescope, and said that he beheld the capitol at
Washington? Did he not publicly kiss the Widow Wild's black cook on both
cheeks, believing her to be a beautiful young lady of Caucasian
complexion? Why, gentlemen, Rump's disordered brain is a perfect
machine-shop for the manufacture of psychological illusions, which are
projected as he walks abroad during the day, or sits in the chimney
corner smoking his pipe in the evening. The brain of this unhappy man
projected a hobgoblin as he wandered about in the dark in the rear of
his barn; and could it not just as easily have projected a hog? Why,
gentlemen, the disordered brain of Simon Rump is capable of projecting
an elephant or a rhinoceros! And could it not, then, have projected the
pitiful porker which he alleged he saw in the possession of Sam?
"Gentlemen of the jury, Simon Rump never saw either Sam or the hog on
the occasion referred to in his testimony; he only saw a phantom created
by his diseased mental organization; and when this miserable man
reproduces the illusive images projected from his disordered cranium,
for the purpose of convicting my unfortunate client, each one of you
should exclaim, in the language of the immortal William Shakspeare:
'Hence, horrible shadow!
Unreal mockery, hence!'
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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