The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A NovelYellott, George
General
The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A Novel
Yellott, George
Fiction
At length Moses manfully resolves on a pilgrimage to the hallowed spot
which holds the object of his adoration. Accordingly he starts from his
rural home, and, with infinite toil, wends his way in solitude beneath
the silvery light of the twinkling stars, through tangled thickets and
thorny fields; floundering through bogs and briers, and tumbling over
snake-fences, with thoughts so delicious that, could they have escaped
from his bosom and taken a beautiful embodiment, they would have planted
his pathway with flowers as sweet as if steeped in the honeyed dews of
Hymettus. And now he comes in view of the mansion in which dwells the
lovely idol of his worship. He stands beneath the spreading boughs of
the trees which shade the sacred spot. He sees the lights within the
neatly-furnished parlor. He even hears the siren song of the
enchantress, giving utterance to the sweet emotions of her soul, as if
magnetically informed of his approach and inviting him to enter. But he
pauses. His faculties are seized with a sudden panic, like raw recruits
when first brought into action. His heart palpitates, and, with a
pit-a-pat motion, comes mounting up to his mouth. His joints tremble. He
walks to and fro under the trees, like a fellow sent upon a fool's
errand, who has forgotten his message. Finally the lights disappear, and
the fair Juliet has retired to rest, while the toil-worn swain proceeds
homeward, breathless, and faint, and leaning upon his hickory cudgel.
Moses made many nightly pilgrimages in the same manner, and with similar
results; until, one morning, he accidentally heard that Juliet was
married to Romeo.
The unfortunate Moses now became intimately acquainted with misery.
Sleep forsook his pillow, and after several nights of wakefulness, he
began to meditate upon the various methods of putting one's self to
death; but for a number of days his conclusions were unsatisfactory. He
put the muzzle of a pistol in his mouth, but there was a mutiny among
his fingers, and they rebelliously refused to obey his will, and pull
the trigger. He seated himself on a beam in his father's barn, with one
end of a rope around his neck and the other securely fastened to the
beam, when he suddenly recollected that a man who is hanged usually
turns black in the face and presents a hideous appearance. He stood on a
brow of a precipice, overhanging a deep and turbid stream, and was about
to leap into the water below, when he recoiled with horror at the
prospect of being eaten by the fishes, and thus deprived of decent
sepulture.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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