The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A Novel — John Shaqi
The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A NovelYellott, George
General
The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A Novel
Yellott, George
Fiction
Bragg scowled at the landlord, and, getting down from the stool with a
profane expression, he went across the street to an apothecary's shop.
Here he was about to put up a placard when he perceived in large letters
on the corner, PASTE NO PILLS HERE; some ingenious urchins having
altered the original B to a P. Bragg was puzzled, and scratched his
head; and, as he did so, an idea entered his cranium, and he understood
that this inscription was a prohibition as imperative as that which he
had just received from the landlord.
Bragg was in a dilemma. He did not know what to do with his documents.
He had made two or three attempts on other houses, and had been warned
off by the proprietors. A chambermaid had discharged a quantity of foul
water at him from an upper window as he was in the act of defacing the
dwelling with a hand-bill; and a burly Hibernian, in his emphatic
brogue, had cursed him for an itinerant vender of nostrums; for there
was a violent prejudice in the town of Bella Vista against all venders
of quack medicines ever since a wandering empiric, having promised to
cure an old gentleman of some hepatic disorder, had given him an emetic,
and afterwards told him that he had puked up a piece of his liver and
would soon get well; when, in fact, the patient was soon in the hands of
the undertaker.
Toney and Tom now came to the assistance of Bragg; and Seddon, being a
citizen of the town, and acquainted with its localities, conducted the
captain to a small tenement which was used by a Dutchman as a stable for
his donkey. Bragg produced his documents, and was about to apply the
paste when the Dutchman came forth leading his donkey, and exclaimed,
"Donner und blitzen! what for you do dat?" Tom whispered to Bragg to
offer the Dutchman a dollar. This suggestion had its effect, and the
silver coin obtained from the proprietor of the stable a place for the
duelist's placard.
Having made his donation to the Dutchman, Bragg was spreading his paste
on the side of the donkey's dwelling when a loud shout was heard in the
street. A crowd of men and boys were seen advancing, and in their midst,
covered with mud and filth from head to foot, and led along by two
sturdy Irishmen, was a most pitiable and disgusting object. His face had
received a coating of wet clay, which was gradually getting dry, and
made his visage as ugly as an idol in a Hindoo temple. His clothing was
befouled with slime; and the two men held him at arm's length, so as to
avoid the defilement of actual contact.
"By the powers of mud! what is that?" exclaimed Bragg.
"One of the powers aforesaid coming in answer to your invocation, I
suppose," said Seddon.
"It is mud, sure enough," said Toney.
"Walking abroad and endeavoring to dry itself in the sun," said Seddon.
"Hurrah! hurrah!" shouted the boys.
"Here he is--by jabers! we found him!" said an Irishman.
"Who is he?" said Toney.
"Do you not know me?" said a dolorous voice issuing from the mass of
mud.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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