The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A NovelYellott, George
General
The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A Novel
Yellott, George
Fiction
"Toney looks serious," said the Professor. "He seems to be aware that he
has to surmount huge difficulties, and is going to work with due
deliberation."
"What a grave aspect he has assumed as he now rises before the jury!"
said Tom. "One might suppose that, instead of answering Pate's speech,
he was about to deliver a funeral oration over his dead body."
Toney Belton now spoke as follows:
"Gentlemen of the jury,--While listening with the most profound
attention and admiration to the solemn and powerful appeal just made by
my learned and eloquent brother; and while beholding, at the same time,
the evident wonder thereby created among this large and respectable
assemblage, I was reminded of what is written in the fourth chapter of
the First Book of Kings,--'And there came of all people to hear the
wisdom of Solomon.'
"Gentlemen, I shall not even attempt to reply to all the arguments
advanced to you by my learned brother. I have too much respect for Simon
Rump's venerable wife, and Simon Rump's innocent little ones, and for
the bones of Simon Rump's buried ancestors, to say one word in
disparagement of any of the aforesaid individuals.
"But there are other portions of my brother's argument which I must
notice, for I fear that they were calculated to produce a powerful
effect upon a jury of humane and benevolent men.
"The learned counsel tells us that this county is to be divided into two
separate kingdoms, as distinct from each other as if an impassable gulf
had suddenly opened between them. He informs us that such must be the
inevitable result of the construction of this canal. As he alluded to
the heart-rending scenes about to ensue from this separation, the
description was so graphic that the picture became visible, not only to
the imagination, but almost to the naked eye.
"Behold the canal already dug not less than forty feet wide and six feet
deep! On either side are assembled groups of men, women, and children;
for the locks are about to be opened and the waters to rush in. Tears
are standing in their eyes, and their sighs and lamentations burden the
air. On the east side of the canal is the fond father, and on the west
his favorite son. On the east side of the canal is the anxious mother,
and on the west her prettiest daughter. On the east side of the canal is
the pensive maiden, and on the west her lover 'sighing like a furnace.'
There they stand about to part forever! For the lock has been opened
above, and the water is now rushing into the canal. The moment of
separation is at hand, and they are about to part never to meet again
beneath the skies!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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