The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A NovelYellott, George
General
The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A Novel
Yellott, George
Fiction
"Don't call me your duck! Duck, indeed! Simon Rump, you are a brute! You
have no feeling. What! stand there and hear that bald-headed booby call
me venerable! Well, I'll give Mr. Pate a piece of my mind. Venerable!
venerable!" And the mother of the cherubs rushed from the room in a
state of unangelic excitement, while Simon Rump seated himself in his
big arm-chair and looked doleful and desolate.
On the following morning as M. T. Pate sat on his porch, brooding over
the humiliation of his defeat, a sable son of Africa rode up and handed
him a letter. He opened it and read as follows:
"Mr. M. T. PATE,--Simon has told me that in your speech to the jury
you several times called me venerable. No wonder you lost our case!
for after such a whopper about me it was not likely that a single
man on the jury would believe one word you might say. How dare you
call a decent woman like me venerable? I am not so venerable as you
yourself, with your big head almost bare of hair outside and
altogether bare of brains inside.
"You ran away because you were afraid to look twelve honest men in
the face after what you had said about me. You may have better luck
when you have learned to tell the truth. No more at present.
"ABIGAIL RUMP."
This letter, though mortifying at the time, was afterwards of essential
service to M. T. Pate. He perceived that adjectives suggestive of
personal qualities were often, like edged tools, to be used with extreme
caution, especially in their application to the female sex; and that the
equanimity even of the mother of seven sweet little cherubs might be
seriously disturbed by an indiscreet use of the word venerable.
CHAPTER XXV.
"Mr. Pate made an astonishing speech," said the Professor to Toney and
Tom, the day after the trial; "such a speech as has been seldom listened
to by any audience,--a speech that was unanswerable by argument."
"And Toney knew it," said Tom, "and did not attempt to answer it by
argument."
"Toney," said the Professor, "was like a wild Indian, dodging around and
aiming his arrows at Pate, who had come on the ground with a heavy piece
of artillery."
"Why do you compare me to a savage?" said Toney.
"Because you use merciless weapons," said the Professor. "Civilized men
do not employ the scalping-knife and tomahawk."
"Nor did I," said Toney.
"Figuratively and metaphorically speaking, you did," said the Professor.
"You brought into the field of forensic controversy a most barbarous and
cruel weapon."
"What was that?" asked Toney.
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