Torches are burnt out and smolder in their sockets. Night is tattered
by the dawn. Amid the havoc of trampled chalices and glass sprawls the
wine-stained figure of the dead Lord of Pesaro--the man who, could she
have loved him, would have given her all.
_La Fiesole! La Fiesole!_ We rose as one man as the curtain dropped.
We did not care to think whether this was wrong--it was lovely. She
had danced our souls out of their prejudices, out of their walls of
restraint into chaos. The rapture of her beauty ran through our veins
like wine. Our imaginations pursued her along pale terraces. The
fragrance of crushed rose-leaves was in our nostrils and the coolness of
night. Our breath came short, as though we had been running. Our senses
were reeling and our eyes dazzled. We stood up in our places clutching
at the air, calling and calling, hungry for the sight of her.
For myself, I was smitten with blindness. My eyes saw the striving
throng through a mist and probed into the beyond, where she ran on and
on palely, forever from me. I shouted to her, but she grew more distant;
never once did she look back or stay her footsteps.
I was aware of a deep stillness--a hoarse peal of laughter: thousands of
eyes glared up at me and down on me, and mouths gaped mockery. The mist
cleared; Fiesole was standing before the curtain. The audience had grown
hushed at sight of her while I had continued calling. From the stage,
twenty feet away, she was smiling at me, insolent and charming, her body
still shuddering with exertion beneath the velvet cloak which lay across
her shoulders. What did I care, though to-morrow the whole of Paris
should laugh? She had danced my soul into ecstasy. I placed my hands
on the edge of the box and leant out drunkenly, shouting her name,
“_Fiesole! Fiesole!_”
She kissed her hand at me derisively, bowed to the audience, and was
gone.
I sank in my place, a sickening nostalgia for her upon me. I did not
reason; I only knew I wanted her--wanted her as she had once wanted me,
with her hands and eyes and body. In a dim way I felt angry with myself
for having lost her. She had made me disgusted with my coldness at
Venice as I had watched my counterpart, the Duke of Biseglia. From the
theatric torture in her face I had learnt something of how brutal a man
may be when he fancies that he is righteously moral. She, whom I saw now
so remotely, might have been mine; through these chilly years La Fiesole
might have been my companion, had I had the faith to take what was
offered. I had sought the things that were impossible. I had made a god
of my scruples. I had sinned weakly, following Vi who did not belong to
me. I had sat down to wait for her, and all the while Life was tapping
at the door. I tasted Life to-night---- And who knows? Perhaps I had
broken this woman’s heart. I would no longer be niggardly. I would go to
her; accuse myself to her; beat down her hatred of me; carry her off.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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