The Great American Pie CompanyButler, Ellis Parker
General
The Great American Pie Company
Butler, Ellis Parker
Business -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Short stories; United States -- Social life and customs -- Fiction
“Now, I ain't kickin', Phin,” said Eph, in a conciliating tone;
“if you say buy the mills, we'll buy 'em. I'm ready an' willin' any time
you are. All I ask is, Why? That's all I ask--Why?”
“Well, sir,” explained Phineas, “if our bakery here puts up the price of
bread, the outside bakeries will ship in bread, if we don't buy out the
outside bakeries. An' once we start, we've got to buy out every bakery
in the country. An' when we do that we've got to own all the mills, so
no one else can get any flour to start bakin'. An' to keep anybody else
from startin' mills, we've got to own all the wheat-belt. It's only
right to be on the safe side, Eph.” Eph crossed his knees and smoked
silently, nodding his head slowly the while.
“I dassay you're right, Phin,” he admitted at length; “but you ain't
far-seein' enough. S'pose--just s'pose, fer instance--it come time to
ship a lot o' flour from our mills to our bakeries, an' them lumber
fellers up North wouldn't furnish timber to supply our barrel-factories.”
Phineas laughed.
“We'd use sacks,” he said shortly.
“Well,” said Eph, “s'pose--just s'pose, fer instance--that 'bout the
time we needed cotton to run our cloth-mills to make sacks fer our
flour--” He paused. “We would run our own cloth-mills, wouldn't we,
Phin?” he asked.
“Surely, surely,” replied Phineas.
“All right,” continued Eph. “S'pose them cotton-growers down South
an' them timber-growers up North wouldn't let us have no cotton or no
timber. What then?”
Phineas nodded that he comprehended the wisdom of the deduction.
“You're right, Eph,” he said. “American Pie has got to buy out the
timber-belt an' the cotton-belt. I'm glad you thought of it. It shows
you take an interest in the business, even if you did interrup' me when
I was thinkin' on a mighty important point.”
“What's that?” asked Eph. “We got to buy out the railroads,” said
Phineas. “Once we own them, we can get proper freight rates.”
“Ain't you afraid mebby some of them foreign countries 'll ship in flour
or fruit or crackers?” asked Eph.
“How can they when we put the tariff up, like we will?” asked Phineas.
“Course, while we're buyin' up these other things, we've got to buy up
Congress.”
“Phin!” exclaimed Eph, suddenly, “we'll have a dickens of a tax-bill to
pay.”
“We'll swear off our taxes,” said Phineas, shortly.
Eph relapsed into meditation. “Why, Phin,” he said at length, “we'll
be as good as bosses of these United States, won't we?”
“Surely we will,” Phin replied.
“Do you suppose I'm doin' all this work an' takin' all this worry just
fer the money? What do I care fer a few millions more or less, Eph, when
I've got millions an' millions? What I want is power. I want to have
this here nation so that when I say, 'Come!' it will come, an' when I
say, 'Go!' it will go, an' when I say, 'Dance!' it will dance.”
He stood up and inflated his thin breast, and tapped it with his
forefinger.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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