Autobiographical fiction; France -- Social life and customs -- Fiction
That kind of sleep is called “sleeping like lead”, and it seems as
though one has become, oneself, and remains for a few moments after such
a sleep is ended, simply a leaden image. One is no longer a person. How
then, seeking for one’s mind, one’s personality, as one seeks for a
thing that is lost, does one recover one’s own self rather than any
other? Why, when one begins again to think, is it not another
personality than yesterday’s that is incarnate in one? One fails to see
what can dictate the choice, or why, among the millions of human beings
any one of whom one might be, it is on him who one was overnight that
unerringly one lays one’s hand? What is it that guides us, when there
has been an actual interruption—whether it be that our unconsciousness
has been complete or our dreams entirely different from ourself? There
has indeed been death, as when the heart has ceased to beat and a
rhythmical friction of the tongue revives us. No doubt the room, even if
we have seen it only once before, awakens memories to which other, older
memories cling. Or were some memories also asleep in us of which we now
become conscious? The resurrection at our awakening—after that healing
attack of mental alienation which is sleep—must after all be similar to
what occurs when we recapture a name, a line, a refrain that we had
forgotten. And perhaps the resurrection of the soul after death is to be
conceived as a phenomenon of memory.
When I had finished sleeping, tempted by the sunlit sky—but discouraged
by the chill—of those last autumn mornings, so luminous and so cold, in
which winter begins, to get up and look at the trees on which the leaves
were indicated now only by a few strokes, golden or rosy, which seemed
to have been left in the air, on an invisible web, I raised my head from
the pillow and stretched my neck, keeping my body still hidden beneath
the bedclothes; like a chrysalis in the process of change I was a dual
creature, with the different parts of which a single environment did not
agree; for my eyes colour was sufficient, without warmth; my chest on
the other hand was anxious for warmth and not for colour. I rose only
after my fire had been lighted, and studied the picture, so delicate and
transparent, of the pink and golden morning, to which I had now added by
artificial means the element of warmth that it lacked, poking my fire
which burned and smoked like a good pipe and gave me, as a pipe would
have given me, a pleasure at once coarse because it was based upon a
material comfort and delicate because beyond it was printed a pure
vision. The walls of my dressing-room were covered with a paper on which
a violent red background was patterned with black and white flowers, to
which it seemed that I should have some difficulty in growing
accustomed. But they succeeded only in striking me as novel, in forcing
me to enter not into conflict but into contact with them, in modulating
the gaiety, the songs of my morning toilet, they succeeded only in
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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