She had never been a thoughtful woman, her days for many years had run
brilliantly on the surface of life, she knew not whence the current was
flowing, nor why, nor where it led her; she did not naturally analyze,
nor dispute events. Only a few years ago she would have said that to an
extraordinary degree fortune had been kind to her. She had been born
with an adventurous spirit, she had played her game well and boldly,
and, according to all the standards of her type, she had won. But
sitting before this quiet fire, perhaps it occurred to her to wonder
how it happened that there were no more hazards, no more cards left to
play. She was caught in a net of circumstances too tight for her
unravelling. Truly it might be cut, but when she stood in the loose
wreckage of it--how should she use her freedom? If it was a cage, at
least it was a comfortable cage; at least it was better than the
howling darkness of the unfamiliar desert beyond.
And yet she raged, and her hurt spirit flung itself again and again at
the bars. Young and beautiful and clever, how had life tricked her into
this deadlock, where had been the fault, and whose?
For some undefined reason Rachael rarely thought of the past. She did
not care to bring its certainties, its panorama of blinded eyes and
closed doors before her mental vision. But to-night she found herself
walking again in those old avenues; her thoughts went back to the
memories of her girlhood.
Girlhood? Her eyes smiled, but with the smile a little twinge of
bitterness drew down her mouth. What a discontented, eager, restless
girlhood it had been, after all. A girlhood eternally analyzing,
comparing, resenting, envying. How she had secretly despised the other
girls, typical of their class, the laughing, flirting, dress-possessed
girls of a small California town. How she had despised her aunts, all
comfortably married and prosperous, her aunts' husbands, her stodgy,
noisy cousins! And, for that matter, there had never been much
reverence in her regard for her mother, although Rachael loved that
complaining little woman in her cool way.
But for her father, the tall, clever, unhappy girl had a genuine
admiration. She did not love him, no one who knew Gerald Fairfax well
could possibly have sustained a deep affection for him, but she
believed him to be almost as remarkably educated and naturally gifted
as he believed himself to be. Her uncles were simply country merchants,
her mother's fat, cheerful father dealt in furniture, and,
incidentally, coffins, but her father was an Englishman, and naturally
held himself above the ordinary folk of Los Lobos.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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