wherever he turned, piled up into strange shapes, pricked with sharp
peaks, assuming the appearance of goblin towers, swelling into a vague
dome like a fairy rath, huge and terrible. And as one dream faded into
another, so these last fancies were perhaps the most tormenting and
persistent; the rocky avenues became the camp and fortalice of some
half-human, malignant race who swarmed in hiding, ready to bear him
away into the heart of their horrible hills. It was awful to think that
all his goings were surrounded, that in the darkness he was watched and
surveyed, that every step but led him deeper and deeper into the
labyrinth.
When, of an evening, he was secure in his room, the blind drawn down
and the gas flaring, he made vigorous efforts toward sanity. It was
not of his free will that he allowed terror to overmaster him, and
he desired nothing better than a placid and harmless life, full
of work and clear thinking. He knew that he deluded himself with
imagination, that he had been walking through London suburbs and not
through Pandemonium, and that if he could but unlock his bureau all
those ugly forms would be resolved into the mist. But it was hard to
say if he consoled himself effectually with such reflections, for the
return to common sense meant also the return to the sharp pangs of
defeat. It recalled him to the bitter theme of his own inefficiency,
to the thought that he only desired one thing of life, and that this
was denied him. He was willing to endure the austerities of a monk
in a severe cloister, to suffer cold, to be hungry, to be lonely and
friendless, to forbear all the consolation of friendly speech; and to
be glad of all these things, if only he might be allowed to illuminate
the manuscript in quietness. It seemed a hideous insufferable cruelty,
that he should so fervently desire that which he could never gain.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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