had for Lucian more than the potency of a drug, lulling him into a
splendid waking-sleep, every word being a supreme incantation. And it
was not only his mind that was charmed by such passages, for he felt at
the same time a strange and delicious bodily languor that held him
motionless, without the desire or power to stir from his seat. And
there were certain phrases in _Kubla Khan_ that had such a magic that
he would sometimes wake up, as it were, to the consciousness that he
had been lying on the bed or sitting in the chair by the bureau,
repeating a single line over and over again for two or three hours. Yet
he knew perfectly well that he had not been really asleep; a little
effort recalled a constant impression of the wall-paper, with its pink
flowers on a buff ground, and of the muslin-curtained window, letting
in the grey winter light. He had been some seven months in London when
this odd experience first occurred to him. The day opened dreary and
cold and clear, with a gusty and restless wind whirling round the
corner of the street, and lifting the dead leaves and scraps of paper
that littered the roadway into eddying mounting circles, as if a storm
of black rain were to come. Lucian had sat late the night before, and
rose in the morning feeling weary and listless and heavy-headed. While
he dressed, his legs dragged him as with weights, and he staggered and
nearly fell in bending down to the mat outside for his tea-tray. He lit
the spirit lamp on the hearth with shaking, unsteady hands, and could
scarcely pour out the tea when it was ready. A delicate cup of tea was
one of his few luxuries; he was fond of the strange flavor of the green
leaf, and this morning he drank the straw-coloured liquid eagerly,
hoping it would disperse the cloud of languor. He tried his best to
coerce himself into the sense of vigor and enjoyment with which he
usually began the day, walking briskly up and down and arranging his
papers in order. But he could not free himself from depression; even as
he opened the dear bureau a wave of melancholy came upon him, and he
began to ask himself whether he were not pursuing a vain dream,
searching for treasures that had no existence. He drew out his cousin’s
letter and read it again, sadly enough. After all there was a good deal
of truth in what she said; he had “overrated” his powers, he had no
friends, no real education. He began to count up the months since he
had come to London; he had received his two thousand pounds in March,
and in May he had said good-bye to the woods and to the dear and
friendly paths. May, June, July, August, September, October, November,
and half of December had gone by; and what had he to show? Nothing but
the experiment, the attempt, futile scribblings which had no end nor
shining purpose. There was nothing in his desk that he could produce as
evidence of his capacity, no fragment even of accomplishment. It was a
thought of intense bitterness, but it seemed as if the barbarians were
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