The History and Records of the Elephant ClubDoesticks, Q. K. Philander
General
The History and Records of the Elephant Club
Doesticks, Q. K. Philander
American wit and humor
cats so vorse as de oder time--I hears notings but cats; I never was so
much afraid except vonce ven a lager bier barrel fly in bieces; I goes
to de vindow and I dinks I hear dem on de awning, und I gets out; yust
den de cats shtop, but I say I vill find vere dey bin on de awning; I
valk along und my foot trips on some shtrings, and ven I fall I hear one
loud cat-shquall dat fright me so dat I dinks I bin fall on more as
dhree hoonered cats; ven I can get up I feels on de shtrings, und I
valks till I finds a box; I brings de box to de vindow; Katrina gets de
lamp und dere ve find in de long vood shoe-box seven cats vat vas fixed
dis way: seven notch holes vas cut in de side de box, and de cats was
put in de box mit deir heads shtick out de holes; on de oder side de box
was seven leetle notch holes vere vas de cats' dails, und a shtring vas
tie to all de cats' dails; I know dat de cats come not in de box by
demselves, und so I look to see vere vas de boys; I comes de shtairs
down again, goes on de shtep-valk so soft as I can, and I finds vere de
strings comes down fom de awning; I keeps hold de shtring till I find
it come to a big sugar hogshead by de next house, and dere I find dese
boys; yust den I say 'Vatch!' and de boliceman comes and dakes de boys
to de station-house; I believe dey is de same boys as trouble me before.
"_The Court._--Boys, what have you got to say for yourselves for such
conduct?
"Master White volunteered to act as spokesman. He said:
"Well, one day we was a playing in front of this 'ere man's lager bier
saloon, and he come out and threatened to lick us if we didn't stop. We
kept on, and bine-by he comes to the door when we wasn't a lookin', and
threw a pailful of dirty water on us. We thought we'd got as good a
right to the street as he had, so we made up our minds to be even with
him, and we got the box and cats and serenaded him.
"Mr. Holzenkamp stated that he baptized the boys a few days before as
described. The boys promised not to bother lager bier saloon keepers any
more, in consideration of which they were discharged."
Mr. Van Dam stated that the last case called was that of Mr. Timothy
O'Neil.
The case he said occupied the attention of the court nearly a half
hour, owing to the difficulty which the court experienced in getting him
to make direct responses to his questions.
"Timothy appeared in a grey dress-coat--that is to say, it was high in
the waist, with a short and pointed tail, a feature oftener produced by
tailors than by literary men of the present day. Timothy's vest was red;
his breeches were made of corduroy. Below them were long coarse
stockings and brogans.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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