The History and Records of the Elephant ClubDoesticks, Q. K. Philander
General
The History and Records of the Elephant Club
Doesticks, Q. K. Philander
American wit and humor
"The evidence went to show that Timothy had been found drunk in the
street, but he was not communicative on the subject. He did not call the
officer a liar after he had heard him give his evidence, nor tell the
judge that he was an 'owld tief.' He said nothing until he was asked to
take the usual oath. The Judge said: 'Mr. O'Neil, put your hand on the
book.' Mr. O'Neil complied cautiously, fearing the result of his act.
When the words of the oath were uttered he made the sign of the cross,
and after being requested by the court, kissed the Bible.
"_The Clerk._--What's your name?
"_Prisoner._--The same as me father's.
"'What was his name?'
"'The same as mine.'
"'Tell me your name or you shall be locked up.'
"'Timothy.'
"'And what else?'
"'I haven't any middle name.'
"'I mean your last name.'
"'O'Neil.'
"'How long have you been in the city?'
"'Since I come to the counthry.'
"'How long is that?'
"'Pat Hooligan can tell ye betther nor I can.'
"'What month was it?'
"'The first Sunday in Lint.'
"'Where do you live?'
"'Wid Biddy and the childer.'
"'Where do they live?'
"'The second floor, back room, bad luck to the bugs that's in it.'
"'I mean what street?'
"'Mike Henessy's store is on the first floor.'
"'Tell me what street the house is on?'
"'Who the divil can tell whin they are changin' the names of the
blackguard streets so much?'
"'What was the street called before the name was changed?'
"'Anthony street; they calls it by another name now.'
"'Worth street I suppose you mean?'
"'I mane that the painter should have put it Worthless street.'
"'Whereabouts in Worth street?'
"'Three doors from the corner.'
"'What corner?'
"'The corner of the street.'
"'What street?'
"'The street three doors above.'
"'Well what is its name?'
"'Bad luck to you, why didn't ye ax me that before?'
"'Well, tell me the name.'
"'Faith I don't know miself. It's an alley.'
"'Well, what's the number of the house?'
"'The number on the door do you mane?'
"'Certainly.'
"'There isn't anny.'
"'What is your trade?'
"'Me father never 'prenticed me.
"'I mean what do you work at?'
"'I don't do any work.'
"'Why?'
"'Because you've got me locked up in prison.'
"'Will you tell me what you work at when out of prison?'
"'I'm a laborin' man, sir'
"'At what were you employed?'
"'Haird work.'
"'What kind of work?'
"'In the shores' (sewers).
"'You are charged with being drunk.'
"'Dhrunk, is it. Faith, I never was more sober in my life than I am at
this minute.'
"'That may be; but here are a half-dozen men who are ready to swear that
they saw you drunk yesterday.'
"'Av it comes to that, can't I bring twiste as manny who will swear that
they didn't see me dhrunk yisterday.'
"'What kind of liquor did you drink?'
"'Mighty bad liquor, and ye'd say the same av ye was to thry it.'
"'Was it malt or spirituous liquor?'
"'It was nayther; it was whisky.'
"'Where did you purchase it?'
"'At the Dutchman's.'
"'Where is his store?'
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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