“The illusion at this juncture denotes also another suspicion. An
additional thought renders the first one pregnant with significance.
Yesterday I heard the opinion expressed at a gathering, ‘Any woman may
be had and there is no such thing as a virtuous woman!’ I opposed
vehemently that cynical thought (_Pauschalverdächtigung_) and I tried to
the best of my ability to point out the ridiculous and unfair
implications of this notion. And today I am surprised to find myself
entertaining the thought. These men who look like X, the great unknown,
are alike attractive and powerful men, just like X. You are reflecting:
Who knows whether this or that man is not actually your wife’s lover?
Why do the words from Faust come into my mind: ‘_The whole town has
her’?_... In justice to my wife’s honor I must now state that she is in
fact an exemplary woman and that I entertain no trace of suspicion about
her conduct. But I am deliberately looking for excuses to vindicate
myself. I mean to believe that every woman is guilty, including
therefore my own wife, so as to justify in my eyes my new love
affairs.... I am envious of X, of his free ways with women, and would
like to be in his place, receiving ladies in the studio. I would like to
be X. In my phantasy I am X, and see myself as X in every stranger.
“A lady of my acquaintance always saw her deceased husband on the street
in the person of some stranger who seemed closely to resemble him. This
peculiar resemblance to strangers was noticeable particularly when her
mind turned to light and frivolous thoughts. As if the image of the
husband came forward to warn and protect her: ‘It is only three years
since I have passed away and already you begin to turn your mind to
trivial joys? Beware. I watch you from Heaven and I see everything you
do.’”
We admit freely that our subject is a keen-minded psychologist
possessing an extraordinary capacity for introspection, yet this
excellent piece of self-analysis seemed to me to overlook something
important. I therefore write Mr. H. J. that I should like to talk this
interesting episode over with him and I invite him to call on me. He
accepts the invitation. From our conversation I report only some of the
more important points:
“Has it not struck you that the men who impressed you as bearing
resemblance were exclusively attractive and powerful men?”
“No, because my friend, X, the painter, is also an attractive and well
built man. Others would not look like him....”
“Are you also otherwise jealous?”
“No; not in the least; only about X,—and even that I did not know or was
perhaps too proud to admit to myself.”
“What is your attitude towards X? Do you care for him also as you
do...?”
“... For my wife, you mean? I do. I love him. He is a charming fellow.”
“Is it not strange that you should be jealous precisely of the one man
whom you also like so well?”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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