The notion of being watched and pursued is a product of his homosexual
leaning which he is unable to control. We inquire into his personal
habits and past life and find that his mother died when he was very
young and his father assumed also the place of a mother to him. With his
father he maintained a sort of “spiritual marriage” relationship up to a
few months ago. They always went out together, never one without the
other, and they slept in one room. The latter habit was but seldom
broken by the presence of friends.
A remarkable episode is brought to memory such as is always found among
the homosexuals. He once fell in love with a girl, an employee’s
sweetheart. That passion soon blew over. Another love affair, however,
almost turned him away from his customary leaning. There was another
girl employed in the office, a slim, diminutive figure, rather
plain-looking, and underdeveloped (a type resembling the male). That
girl was engaged and her young man was in the habit of calling to take
her home. Everybody in the store knew that the young man was waiting
outside at the closing hour (he claims she was cordial also with some
other men in the store). He fell in love with the girl and soon showed
that uncontrollable passion which is characteristic of homosexuals when
they attempt to save themselves from man,—when they try to fly from
homosexuality. He soon succeeded in winning her favor against his rival,
who was but a poor employee. The poor girl was supremely happy and proud
that the wealthy manufacturer’s son had his eye on her. He promptly
showed the girl that his intentions were honorable. He withdrew entirely
from his father who was bitterly opposed to the affair. He lived with
his thoughts exclusively on and for the girl. She had to leave the
office. The father requested it and, besides, the other employees
gossiped and spread rumors which were unpleasant to him. He received
anonymous communications pointing out to him that the girl was flighty.
Another employee told him that he had kissed the girl and she was not at
all a prude. These persons naturally did not know that their tales only
increased his passion for the girl. For it was precisely the thought
that she had been kissed by another man that made her so irresistible in
his sight. It made him angry and raging mad but his excitation reacted
upon his homosexual component. The more he was roused against the girl
the more closely he was enmeshed with her. He met her three times daily.
He called for her in the morning, at noon they took a walk together, and
the evenings, often the nights, belonged to the girl who proved with a
physician’s certificate that she was still _virgo intacta_. His
relations with her were of such a nature that her virginity was not
endangered. This attitude, this fearsome withholding from the task of
defloration under the excuse of ethical considerations, is typical of
the neurotic’s feeling of uncertainty and lack of confidence in himself,
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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