fear of binding himself, and fear of consequences, and shows an
insufficient _libido_. The passion was something rather spiritual, a
transference, something unreal. For they passed some nights together and
he was satisfied merely to be in the same room (they never slept in one
bed). Her presence had chiefly a quieting effect on him. Through her he
felt himself protected against his homosexual thoughts. He also needed a
love affair to show the whole world that he was not homosexual and that
he was capable of loving a woman.
But during the very first days of this love affair his jealousy began to
assert itself, a peculiarity characteristic of these subjects,
permitting them to concentrate their mind perpetually on the subject of
men. First he began to investigate her past. She had to confess
everything to him. Then there followed endless torture over endless
days. In the morning he began to look questioningly at her. If she
showed blue dark streaks under her eyes, or looked pale, he felt sure
that she had been untrue to him that night. Although he conducted her
home late at night and called for her early next morning he still
thought that she slipped out of the house to meet some strange lover
somewhere. Often he stood on watch all night in the front of her home.
He saw curious shadows moving across her window blind and was sure that
it must be a man. He endured hellish torments over it. He engaged a
detective to watch the girl and caught her in an innocent lie. His
persistent questionings had cowed her and sometimes she had to lie in
order to pacify him. An innocent fib of that character was the starting
point of a quarrel which kept up for many weeks. She saw him patrol up
and down in front of her house. He looked badly run down as he did not
sleep nights and he neglected his affairs at the factory. She made him
promise that he would go home nights. He promised and immediately
afterwards felt uneasy over it. For he was certain that she made him
give that promise so as to be able to deceive him more easily.
Then terrible thoughts of revenge flashed through his mind. He wanted to
shoot the unknown lover and strangle the girl. Perhaps he sought a proof
of unfaithfulness so as to get rid of the girl and justify his own
disloyalty towards her.
He naturally pretended once to go on a journey only to return
unexpectedly to the girl. He thought he smelled cigar smoke, dragged her
by the hair, and wanted to force a confession from her. He also accused
her of intimacy with her 70-year-old guardian.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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