The House of Quiet: An AutobiographyBenson, Arthur Christopher
General
The House of Quiet: An Autobiography
Benson, Arthur Christopher
Country life -- England -- Fiction; English fiction -- 20th century; Invalids -- Fiction
great curves as she ran, with the snow spouting over her like a fountain.
The second was a very different scene. I was in the vine-clad alleys
of some Italian garden; against the still blue air a single stone pine
defined itself; I walked along a path, and turning a corner an exquisite
conventual building of immense size, built of a light brown stone,
revealed itself. From all the alleys round emerged troops of monastic
figures in soft white gowns, and a mellow chime of exceeding sweetness
floated from the building. I saw that I too was robed like the rest; but
the gliding figures outstripped me; and arriving last at a great iron
portal I found it closed, and the strains of a great organ came drowsily
from within.
Then into the dream falls a sudden sense of despair like an ashen
cloud; a feeling of incredible agony, intensified by the beauty of the
surrounding scene, that agony which feverishly questions as to why so
dark a stroke should fall when the mind seems at peace with itself
and lost in dreamy wonder at the loveliness all about it. Then the
vision closes, and for a time the mind battles with dark waves of
anguish, emerging at last, like a diver from a dim sea, into the waking
consciousness. The sickly daylight filters through the window curtains
and the familiar room swims into sight. The first thought is one of
unutterable relief, which is struck instantly out of the mind by the
pounce of the troubled mood; and then follows a ghastly hour, when every
possibility of horror and woe intangible presses in upon the battling
mind. At such moments a definite difficulty, a practical problem would
be welcome—but there is none; the misery is too deep for thought, and
even, when after long wrestling, the knowledge comes that it is all a
subjective condition, and that there is no adequate cause in life or
circumstances for this unmanning terror—even then it can only be silently
endured, like the racking of some fierce physical pain.
[Sidenote: WOE]
The day that succeeds to such a waking mood is almost the worst part
of the experience. Shaken and dizzied by the inrush of woe, the mind
straggles wearily through hour after hour; the familiar duties are
intolerable; food has no savour; action and thought no interest; and if
for an hour the tired head is diverted by some passing event, or if,
oppressed with utter exhaustion, it sinks into an unrefreshing slumber,
repose but gives the strength to suffer—the accursed mood leaps again, as
from an unseen lair, upon the unnerved consciousness, and tears like some
strange beast the helpless and palpitating soul.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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