But it would be no fair picture of Clifford’s state of mind were we to
represent him as continually or prevailingly wretched. On the contrary,
there was no other man in the city, we are bold to affirm, of so much
as half his years, who enjoyed so many lightsome and griefless moments
as himself. He had no burden of care upon him; there were none of those
questions and contingencies with the future to be settled which wear
away all other lives, and render them not worth having by the very
process of providing for their support. In this respect he was a
child,—a child for the whole term of his existence, be it long or
short. Indeed, his life seemed to be standing still at a period little
in advance of childhood, and to cluster all his reminiscences about
that epoch; just as, after the torpor of a heavy blow, the sufferer’s
reviving consciousness goes back to a moment considerably behind the
accident that stupefied him. He sometimes told Phœbe and Hepzibah his
dreams, in which he invariably played the part of a child, or a very
young man. So vivid were they, in his relation of them, that he once
held a dispute with his sister as to the particular figure or print of
a chintz morning-dress which he had seen their mother wear, in the
dream of the preceding night. Hepzibah, piquing herself on a woman’s
accuracy in such matters, held it to be slightly different from what
Clifford described; but, producing the very gown from an old trunk, it
proved to be identical with his remembrance of it. Had Clifford, every
time that he emerged out of dreams so lifelike, undergone the torture
of transformation from a boy into an old and broken man, the daily
recurrence of the shock would have been too much to bear. It would have
caused an acute agony to thrill from the morning twilight, all the day
through, until bedtime; and even then would have mingled a dull,
inscrutable pain and pallid hue of misfortune with the visionary bloom
and adolescence of his slumber. But the nightly moonshine interwove
itself with the morning mist, and enveloped him as in a robe, which he
hugged about his person, and seldom let realities pierce through; he
was not often quite awake, but slept open-eyed, and perhaps fancied
himself most dreaming then.
Thus, lingering always so near his childhood, he had sympathies with
children, and kept his heart the fresher thereby, like a reservoir into
which rivulets were pouring not far from the fountain-head. Though
prevented, by a subtile sense of propriety, from desiring to associate
with them, he loved few things better than to look out of the arched
window and see a little girl driving her hoop along the sidewalk, or
schoolboys at a game of ball. Their voices, also, were very pleasant to
him, heard at a distance, all swarming and intermingling together as
flies do in a sunny room.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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