The Humbugs of the World: An Account of Humbugs, Delusions, Impositions, Quackeries, Deceits and Deceivers Generally, in All AgesBarnum, P. T. (Phineas Taylor)
General
The Humbugs of the World: An Account of Humbugs, Delusions, Impositions, Quackeries, Deceits and Deceivers Generally, in All Ages
Barnum, P. T. (Phineas Taylor)
Impostors and imposture
In the same year that Pease's hoarhound candy appeared upon the
commercial and newspaper horizon, the "Governor Dorr Rebellion" occurred
in Rhode Island. As many will remember, this rebellion caused a great
excitement throughout the country. Citizens of Rhode Island took up arms
against each other, and it was feared by some that a bloody civil war
would ensue.
At about this time a municipal election was to come off in the city of
Philadelphia. The two political parties were pretty equally divided
there, and there were some special causes why this was regarded as an
unusually important election. Its near approach caused more excitement
in the "Quaker City" than had been witnessed there since the preceding
Presidential election. The party-leaders began to lay their plans early,
and the wire-pullers on both sides were unusually busy in their
vocation. At the head of the rabble upon which one of the parties
depended for many votes, was a drunken and profane fellow, whom we will
call Tom Simmons. Tom was great at electioneering and stump-spouting in
bar-rooms and rum-caucuses, and his party always looked to him, at each
election, to stir up the subterraneans "with a long pole"--and a
whiskey-jug at the end of it.
The exciting election which was now to come off for Mayor and Aldermen
of the good city of Brotherly Love soon brought several of the "ring" to
Tom.
"Now, Tom," said the head wire-puller, "this is going to be a close
election, and we want you to spare neither talent nor liquor in arousing
up and bringing to the polls every voter within your influence."
"Well, Squire," replied Tom carelessly, "I've concluded I won't bother
myself with this 'lection--it don't pay!"
"Don't pay!" exclaimed the frightened politician. "Why, Tom, are you not
a true friend to your party? Haven't you always been on hand at the
primary meetings, knocked down interlopers, and squelched every man who
talked about conscience, or who refused to support regular nominations,
and vote the entire clean ticket straight through? And as for 'pay,'
haven't you always been supplied with money enough to treat all doubtful
voters, and in fact to float them up to the polls in an ocean of
whiskey? I confess Tom, I am almost petrified with astonishment at
witnessing your present indifference to the alarming crisis in which our
country and our party are involved, and which nothing on earth can
avert, except our success at the coming election."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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