The Humors of Falconbridge: A Collection of Humorous and Every Day ScenesFalconbridge
General
The Humors of Falconbridge: A Collection of Humorous and Every Day Scenes
Falconbridge
American wit and humor
"Give me me coz-zin's wages, ye--ye--" but here his oration drew towards
a close, for Flannigan, no longer able to recognise virtue in
forbearance, opened the door and planting his own huge fist between the
_ogle-factories_ of Paddy, knocked him as stiff as a bull beef! Falling,
Paddy carried away his red-faced burly coz-zin, and the twain tumbling
upon the two negro women who were still at the bottom of the steps,
dilating, to any number of lookers-on, upon the rascality of poor
Flannigan in gouging them out of their washing bill, down went the white
spirits and black, all in a lump.
Here was a row! A mob gathered; "the people in that house" were
denounced in all manner of ways, the negroes screamed, the Irish roared,
the Dutch baker came up with a police-man to arrest Flannigan for
stealing his bread! And soon the butcher arrived with another officer to
seize the goods of Flash, supposed to be in the house--ready to be taken
away!
Such a double and twisted uproar in Dutch, Irish, Ethiopian and natural
Yankee, was terrific!
Mrs. F. fainted, the children screamed, and poor Flannigan was carried
to the police office to answer half a cord of "charges," and reached
home near sundown, quite exhausted, and his wallet bled for "costs,"
fines, &c., some $20. Poor Flannigan moved again; the house had such a
"bad name," he couldn't stay in it.
The Question Settled.
"Doctor" Gumbo, who "does business" somewhere along shore, met "Prof."
_White_,--a gemman, whose complexion is four shades darker than the
famed ace of spades,--a few evenings since, in front of the _Blade_
office, and after the usual formalities of greeting, says the doctor--
"What you tink, sah, oh dat Lobes question, what dey's makin' sich a
debbil ob a talk about in de papers?"
"Well," dignifiedly answered the professor of polish-on boots, "it's my
'ticular opinion, sah, dat dat Lopes got into de wrong pew, brudder
Gumbo, when he went down to Cuber for his healf!"
"Pshaw! sah, I'se talkin' about de gwynna (guano) question, I is."
"Well, doctor," said the professor, "I'se not posted up on de goanna
question, no how; but, when you comes to de Cuber, or de best mode ob
applyin' de principle ob liquid blackin' to de rale fuss-rate calfskin,
_I'se dar!_"
"O! oh!" grunts Gumbo; "professor, you'se great on de natural principles
ob de chemical skyence, I see; but lord honey, I doos pity your
ignorance on jography questions. So, take care ob yourself, ole
nigger--yaw! yaw!" and they parted with the formality of two Websters,
and half a dozen common-sized dignitaries of the nation thrown in.
How it's Done at the Astor House.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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