The Humors of Falconbridge: A Collection of Humorous and Every Day ScenesFalconbridge
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The Humors of Falconbridge: A Collection of Humorous and Every Day Scenes
Falconbridge
American wit and humor
A great deal has been written, to show that the literary business is a
very disagreeable business; and that branch of it coming under the
"Editorial" head is about as comfortable as the bed of Procustes would
be to an invalid. It may doubtless look and sound well, to see one's
name in print, going the rounds, especially at the head of the editorial
columns, from ten to fifty thousand eyes and tongues scanning and
pronouncing it every day, or week--hundreds and thousands of the fair
sex wondering whether he is a young or an old man, a married man or a
bachelor; while the pious and devout are contemplating the serious of
his emanations, and conjecturing whether he be a Methodist, Puseyite, or
Catholic, a Presbyterian, Unitarian or Baptist; and the politicians
scanning his views, to discover whether he _leans_ toward the
_Locofocos, Free-Soilers, or Whigs_--all being necessarily much
mystified, inasmuch as the neutral writer, or editor, is obliged to
study, and most vigilantly to act, the part of a cunning
diplomatist--stroke every body's hair with the _grain!_
The Tribulations of Incivility.
"A gentleman by the name of Collins stopping with you?"
"Collins?" was the response.
"Yes, Collins, or Collings, I ain't sure which," said the hardy-looking,
bronzed seaman, to the gaily-dressed, flippant-mannered, be-whiskered
man of vast importance, presiding over the affairs of one of our
"first-class hotels."
"Very indefinite inquiry, then," said the hotel manager.
"Well, I brought this small package from Bremen for a gentleman who came
out passenger with us some time ago; he left it in Bremen--wanted me to
fetch it out when the ship returned--here it is."
"What do you want to leave it here for? We know nothing about the man,
sir."
"You don't? Well, you ought to, for the gentleman put up here, and told
me he'd be around when we got into port again. He was a deuced clever
fellow, and you ought to have kept the reckoning of such a man," said
the seaman.
"Ha, ha! we keep so many clever fellows," said he of the hotel, "that
they are no novelties, sir."
"I wonder then," said the seaman, "you do not imitate some of them, for
there's no danger of the world's getting crowded with a crew of good
men."
"If you have any business with us we shall attend to it, sir, but we
want none of your impertinence!"
"O, you don't? Well, Mister, I've business aboard of your craft; if
you're the commodore, I'd like you to see that my friend Collins is
piped up, or that this package be stowed away where he could come afoul
of it. His name is Collins; here it is in black and white, on the
parcel, and here's where I was to drop it."
One of the "understrappers" overhearing the dispute, whispered his
dignified superior that Mr. Collins, an English gentleman, late from
Bremen, was in the house, whereupon the dignified empressario, turning
to the self-possessed man of the sea, said--
"Ah, well, leave the parcel, leave the parcel; we _suppose_ it's
correct."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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