I’ve parst threw many tryin ordeels sins then, but Betsy Jane has bin troo as steel. By attendin strickly to bizniss I’ve amarsed a handsum Pittance. No man on this footstool can rise & git up & say I ever knowinly injered no man or wimmin folks, while all agree that my Show is ekalled by few and exceld by none, embracin as it does a wonderful colleckshun of livin wild Beests of Pray, snaix in grate profushun, a endliss variety of life-size wax figgers, & the only traned kangaroo in Ameriky—the most amoozin little cuss ever introjuced to a discriminatin public. _Artemus Ward._ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ _YE PEDAGOGUE._ A BALLAD [Illustration: “AND STRAP YE URCHINS WELLE.”] I. RIGHTE learnéd is ye Pedagogue, Fulle apt to reade and spelle, And eke to teache ye parts of speeche, And strap ye urchins welle. II. For as ’tis meete to soake ye feete, Ye ailinge heade to mende; Ye younker’s pate to stimulate, He beats ye other ende! III. Righte lordlie is ye Pedagogue, As any turbaned Turke; For welle to rule ye District Schoole, It is no idle worke. IV. For oft Rebellion lurketh there, In breaste of secrete foes, Of malice fulle, in waite to pulle Ye Pedagogue his nose! V. Sometimes he heares with trembling feares Of ye ungodlie rogue On mischiefe bent, with felle intent To licke ye Pedagogue! VI. And if ye Pedagogue be smalle, When to ye battell led, In such a plighte, God sende him mighte To break ye rogue his heade! VII. Daye after daye, for little paye, He teacheth what he can, And bears ye yoke, to please ye folke, And ye committee-man. VIII. Ah! many crosses hath he borne, And many trials founde, Ye while he trudged ye district through, And boarded rounde and rounde! IX. Ah! many a steake hath he devoured, That, by ye taste and sighte, Was in disdaine, ’twas very plaine, Of Daye his patent righte!