The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
General
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
American wit and humor
X.
Fulle solemn is ye Pedagogue,
Amonge ye noisy churls,
Yet other while he hath a smile
To give ye handsome girls;
XI.
And one,—ye fayrest mayde of all,—
To cheere his wayninge life,
Shall be, when Springe ye flowers shall bringe,
Ye Pedagogue his wife!
_John Godfrey Saxe._
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_SETTLING UNDER DIFFICULTIES._
STRANGERS visiting the beautiful city of Burlington have not failed to
notice that one of the handsomest young men they meet is very bald, and
they fall into the usual error of attributing this premature baldness to
dissipation. But such is not the case. This young man, one of the most
exemplary Bible-class scholars in the city, went to a Baptist sociable
out in West Hill one night about two years ago. He escorted three
charming girls, with angelic countenances and human appetites, out to
the refreshment table, let them eat all they wanted, and then found he
had left his pocket-book at home, and a deaf man that he had never seen
before at the cashier’s desk. The young man with his face aflame, bent
down, and said softly—
“I am ashamed to say I have no change with——”
“Hey——?” shouted the cashier.
“I regret to say,” the young man repeated in a little louder key, “that
I have unfortunately come away without any change to——”
“Change two?” chirped the old man. “Oh, yes; I can change five if you
want it.”
“No,” the young man explained in a terrible penetrating whisper, for
half-a-dozen people were crowding up behind him, impatient to pay their
bills and get away, “I don’t want any change, because——”
“Oh, don’t want no change?” the deaf man cried gleefully. “’Bleeged to
ye, ’bleeged to ye. ’Taint often we get such generous donations. Pass
over your bill.”
“No, no,” the young man explained, “I have no funds——”
“Oh, yes, plenty of fun,” the deaf man replied, growing tired of the
conversation, and noticing the long line of people waiting with money in
their hands; “but I haven’t got time to talk about it now. Settle, and
move on.”
“But,” the young man gasped out, “I have no money——”
“Go Monday?” queried the deaf cashier. “I don’t care when you go; you
must pay, and let these other people come up.”
“I have no money!” the mortified young man shouted, ready to sink into
the earth, while the people all around him, and especially the three
girls he had treated, were giggling and chuckling audibly.
“Owe money?” the cashier said; “of course you do; 2.75 dollars.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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