The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
General
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
American wit and humor
The difficulty was solved by supposing that the narrator had made a
mistake of one day in the date of the occurrence; so that our friend did
not hesitate to introduce the story at every tavern and country store
along the road, expending a whole bunch of Spanish wrappers among at
least twenty horrified audiences. He found himself invariably the first
bearer of the intelligence, and was so pestered with questions that he
could not avoid filling up the outline, till it became quite a
respectable narrative. He met with one piece of corroborative evidence.
Mr. Higginbotham was a trader; and a former clerk of his, to whom
Dominicus related the facts, testified that the old gentleman was
accustomed to return home through the orchard about nightfall with the
money and valuable papers of the store in his pocket. The clerk
manifested but little grief at Mr. Higginbotham’s catastrophe, hinting,
what the pedler had discovered in his own dealings with him, that he was
a crusty old fellow, as close as a vice. His property would descend to a
pretty niece, who was now keeping school in Kimballton.
What with telling the news for the public good and driving bargains for
his own, Dominicus was so much delayed on the road that he chose to put
up at a tavern, about five miles short of Parker’s Falls. After supper,
lighting one of his prime cigars, he seated himself in the bar-room, and
went through the story of the murder, which had grown so fast that it
took him half-an-hour to tell. There were as many as twenty people in
the room, nineteen of whom received it all for gospel. But the twentieth
was an elderly farmer, who had arrived on horseback a short time before,
and was now seated in a corner smoking his pipe. When the story was
concluded he rose up very deliberately, brought his chair right in front
of Dominicus, and stared him full in the face, puffing out the vilest
tobacco-smoke the pedler had ever smelt.
“Will you make affidavit,” demanded he in the tone of a country justice
taking an examination, “that old Squire Higginbotham, of Kimballton, was
murdered in his orchard the night before last, and found hanging on his
great pear-tree yesterday morning?”
“I tell the story as I heard it,” answered Dominicus, dropping his
half-burnt cigar. “I don’t say that I saw the thing done, so I can’t
take my oath that he was murdered exactly in that way.”
“But I can take mine,” said the farmer, “that if Squire Higginbotham was
murdered the night before last, I drank a bottle of bitters with his
ghost this morning. Being a neighbour of mine he called me into his
store as I was riding by and treated me, and then asked me to do a
little business for him on the road. He didn’t seem to know any more
about his own murder than I did.”
“Why, then, it can’t be a fact!” exclaimed Dominicus Pike.
“I guess he’d have mentioned if it was,” said the old farmer, and he
removed his chair back to the corner, leaving Dominicus quite down in
the mouth.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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