The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
General
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
American wit and humor
“Gentlemen and ladies,” said the lawyer to the shopkeepers, the
mill-men, and the factory girls, “I can assure you that some
unaccountable mistake, or more probably, a wilful falsehood, maliciously
contrived to injure Mr. Higginbotham’s credit, has excited this singular
uproar. We passed through Kimballton at three o’clock this morning, and
most certainly should have been informed of the murder, had any been
perpetrated. But I have proof nearly as strong as Mr. Higginbotham’s own
oral testimony in the negative. Here is a note relating to a suit of his
in the Connecticut courts, which was delivered me from that gentleman
himself. I find it dated at ten o’clock last evening.”
So saying the lawyer exhibited the date and signature of the note, which
irrefragably proved, either that this perverse Mr. Higginbotham was
alive when he wrote it, or—as some deemed the more probable case of two
doubtful ones—that he was so absorbed in worldly business as to continue
to transact it even after his death. But unexpected evidence was
forthcoming. The young lady, after listening to the pedler’s
explanations, merely seized a moment to smooth her gown and put her
curls in order, and then appeared at the tavern door, making a modest
signal to be heard.
“Good people,” said she, “I am Mr. Higginbotham’s niece.”
[Illustration: “I AM MR. HIGGINBOTHAM’S NIECE.”]
A wondering murmur passed through the crowd on beholding her so rosy and
bright, the same unhappy niece whom they had supposed, on the authority
of the _Parker’s Falls Gazette_, to be lying at death’s door in a
fainting fit. But some shrewd fellow had doubted all along whether a
young lady would be quite so desperate at the hanging of a rich old
uncle.
“You see,” continued Miss Higginbotham, with a smile, “that this strange
story is quite unfounded, as to myself; and I believe I may affirm it to
be equally so in regard to my dear uncle Higginbotham. He has the
kindness to give me a home in his house, though I contribute to my
support by teaching a school. I left Kimballton this morning to spend
the vacation of commencement week with a friend, about five miles from
Parker’s Falls. My generous uncle, when he heard me on the stairs,
called me to his bedside, and gave me two dollars and fifty cents to pay
my stage fare, and another dollar for my extra expenses. He then laid
his pocket-book under his pillow, shook hands with me, and advised me to
take some biscuit in my bag, instead of breakfasting on the road. I feel
confident, therefore, that I left my beloved relative alive, and trust
that I shall find him so on my return.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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