The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists — John Shaqi
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
General
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
American wit and humor
She took the nearest way to Montgomery Street, and proceeded almost to
the head of that thoroughfare. Ascending a very wide flight of steps,
she turned to the right, and went up a narrower flight; turning again to
the left, she went up a narrower flight still. Without pausing to take
breath, Miss Sophia proceeded, by the help of the skylight, to read the
names on a whole army of doors. Making nearly the whole circuit of the
long hall, she arrived finally at a door which seemed to meet with her
approval, for she nodded her head, knocked, and walked briskly in.
“What a horrid-looking man!” she said, as she threw herself upon a
well-worn lounge, and breathed heavily.
“What an ugly old vixen!” replied the gentleman thus apostrophised,
looking up from the desk at which he sat writing.
“Hem!” rejoined Miss Sophia, eyeing him wickedly, and still labouring
for her breath, after her unwonted exertion.
“Well, madam?”
“How dare you, sir—but this is Mr. Beanson, no doubt?”
“Yes, madam.”
“I called, sir,” pronounced Miss Garr, in an angry tone, “to have you
explain to me explicitly, and without reservation, what constitutes a
breach of promise.”
Now two different persons had been harassing Mr. Beanson that very
morning with unpaid bills. Yet it was a characteristic of this
remarkable man that all his greatest troubles were in the future—that
undiscovered country of his first brief, and the presidency. He was
possessed of a wonderful talent at apprehending evil; and he had not
heard Miss Sophia this long without exerting it. He thought instantly of
the snares laid for unsuspecting young men by designing females, and did
not grow calmer as his visitor repeated—
“Come, sir; you profess to be a lawyer, if you are not. Can you tell me,
sir?”
“M—madam, I don’t know you!” exclaimed Mr. Beanson, feeling very much
confused, but looking, as he always did, very aggressive.
“I found your card in my card-case, and I want to know, sir, what
constitutes a breach of promise.”
“Madam, I tell you I don’t know you _at all_!”
“But did you not leave your card in my card-case at Mrs. Clayton’s?”
“I did, madam, but that does not constitute a breach of promise; and I
warn you now,” said Mr. Beanson, raising his voice and his forefinger,
and shaking both at her simultaneously, “I warn you now, madam, that you
cannot ground an action for breach of promise on a little skilful
advertising!”
“What do you mean, sir?”
Mr. Beanson observed a sudden and marked change coming over the features
of his visitor, and took it for the herald of her discomfiture and his
own triumph.
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