The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
General
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
American wit and humor
All this time the wicked women and their abettors lay under the
malediction of the good saint, who caused them to be bewitched by an old
lady from Salem. Mrs. Amos Shuttle could not sleep, because something
had whispered in her apprehensive ear that her son, her only son, whom
she had engaged to the daughter of Count Grenouille, in Paris, then
about three years old, was actually at that moment crossing Kissing
Bridge in company with little Susan Varian, and some others besides. Now
Susan was the fairest little lady of all the land; she had a face and an
eye just like the widow Wadman in Leslie’s charming picture; a face and
an eye which no reasonable man under Heaven could resist, except my
uncle Toby—beshrew him and his fortifications, I say! She was, moreover,
a good little girl, and an accomplished little girl—but, alas! she had
not mounted to the step in Jacob’s ladder of fashion which qualifies a
person for the heaven of high _ton_, and Mrs. Shuttle had not been to
Europe for nothing. She would rather have seen her son wedded to
dissipation and profligacy than to Susan Varian; and the thought of his
being out sleigh-riding with her was worse than the toothache. It kept
her awake all the live-long night, and the only consolation she had was
scolding poor Amos, because the sleigh-bells made such a noise.
As for Mrs. Hubblebubble and Mrs. Doubletrouble, they neither of them
got a wink of sleep during a whole week for thinking of the beautiful
French chairs and damask curtains Mrs. Shuttle had brought from Europe.
They forthwith besieged their good men, leaving them no rest until they
sent out orders to Paris for just such rich chairs and curtains as those
of the thrice-happy Mrs. Shuttle, from whom they kept the affair a
profound secret, each meaning to treat her to an agreeable surprise. In
the meanwhile they could not rest for fear the vessel which was to bring
these treasures might be lost on her passage. Such was the dreadful
judgment inflicted on them by the good St. Nicholas.
The perplexities of Mrs. Shuttle increased daily. In the first place, do
all she could, she could not make Amos a fine gentleman. This was a
metamorphosis which Ovid would never have dreamed of. He would be
telling the price of everything in his house, his furniture, his wines,
and his dinners, insomuch that those who envied his prosperity, or
perhaps only despised his pretensions, were wont to say, after eating
his venison and drinking his old Madeira, “that he ought to have been a
tavern-keeper, he knew so well how to make out a bill.” Mrs. Shuttle
once overheard a speech of this kind, and the good St. Nicholas himself,
who had brought it about, almost felt sorry for the mortification she
endured on the occasion.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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