The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists — John Shaqi
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
General
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
American wit and humor
remark, with a mental addition which would not improve a Sunday-school
book _much_, that that was the very thing you were about to propose
yourself?
[Illustration: “ROCK-A-BY BABY IN THE TREE-TOP.”]
Oh! you were under good discipline, and as you went fluttering up and
down the room in your undress uniform, you not only prattled undignified
baby-talk, but even tuned up your martial voices and tried to
_sing_!—“Rock-a-by baby in the tree-top,” for instance. What a spectacle
for an army of the Tennessee! And what an affliction for the neighbours,
too; for it is not everybody within a mile around that likes military
music at three in the morning. And when you had been keeping this sort
of thing up two or three hours, and your little velvet-head intimated
that nothing suited him like exercise and noise, what did you do? (“Go
on!”) You simply _went_ on until you dropped in the last ditch. The idea
that a _baby_ doesn’t _amount_ to anything! Why, _one_ baby is just a
house and a front yard full by itself. _One_ baby can furnish more
business than you and your whole Interior Department can attend to. He
is enterprising, irrepressible, brimful of lawless activities. Do what
you please, you can’t make him stay on the reservation. Sufficient unto
the day is one baby. As long as you are in your right mind don’t you
ever pray for twins. Twins amount to a permanent riot, and there ain’t
any real difference between triplets and an insurrection.
Yes, it was high time for a toast-master to recognise the importance of
the babies. Think what is in store for the present crop! Fifty years
from now we shall all be dead, I trust, and then this flag, if it still
survive (and let us hope it may), will be floating over a Republic
numbering 200,000,000 souls, according to the settled laws of our
increase. Our present schooner of State will have grown into a political
leviathan—a _Great Eastern_. The cradled babies of to-day will be on
deck. Let them be well trained, for we are going to leave a big contract
on their hands.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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