Female friendship -- Fiction; London (England) -- Social life and customs -- Fiction; Widows -- Fiction
'Yes.' He paused an instant. 'Unless there ever came a time when you
would like to be undeceived--when it might seem better to have been
helped than not to have needed help. Well, Beaufort Chance upset that
scheme. Here we are, face to face with the truth. We've not been that
before. How we made pretence with one another!' He shook his head in
half-humorous reprobation. She saw with wonder how little unhappy he was
about it all, how it all seemed to him a bygone thing, a strange dream
which might retain its meaning and its interest, but ceased to have
living importance the moment dawning day put it to flight.
'You told me you weren't cured,' he went on. 'That you still wanted the
old life, the old ambition--that my advice still appealed to you. That
fatal advice of mine! It did half the mischief. Don't you see my right
to pay the money in that again? Still, I tell you, I didn't pay it for
you; I paid it for myself.'
'I can give you no return for it.'
'I ask none. The return I have got I've told you. I am free.' He loved
the thought; again it brought a smile to his lips. 'There's no question
of a return from you to me.'
'Yes, but I shall owe you everything,' she cried. 'The very means of
living decently!' Her pride was in arms again as the truth came back to
her.
'Then sell all you have and repay me the money,' he suggested. 'Say I'm
Fricker. There'll be nobody to buy me off, as Peggy and I bought Fricker
off.'
'What?' she exclaimed, startled into betraying her surprise.
'Pay it back,' he cried gaily. 'Pay it all back. I'll take it. I'm not
afraid of money now. It might come rolling into Danes Inn--in barrels!
Like beer-casks! And a couple of draymen hard on the rope! I shouldn't
so much as turn round. I shouldn't count the barrels--I should go on
counting the sparrows on the roof. I've not the least objection to be
repaid.'
She fell into silence. Airey began strolling about the room again; he
smoked a cigarette while she sat without speaking, with her brows knit
and her hands now clenching the arms of her chair. Suddenly she broke
out in a new protest.
'Oh, that's not it, that's not it! Paying the money back wouldn't cure
it. As far as that goes, I could have paid Fricker myself. It's the
failure. It's the failure and the shame. Nothing can cure that.'
'Think of my failure, think of my shame! Worse than yours! You only set
about living a little bit in the wrong way. I never set about living at
all! I shut out at least a half of life. I refused it. Isn't that the
great refusal?'
'You had your work. You worked well?'
'Yes, I did do that. Well, shall we give that half? I had half a life
then.'
'And what had I?'
'At least that. More, I think, in spite of everything.'
'And you can forget the failure and the shame?'
'I can almost laugh at them.'
She held out her hands to him, crying again for help:
'How? How?'
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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