Produced by Clarity, Suzanne Shell and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: Apart from a few punctuation corrections, no other changes have been made in the text. THE INVENTIONS OF THE IDIOT by JOHN KENDRICK BANGS Author of "A House-Boat on the Styx" "The Pursuit of the House-Boat" "Olympian Nights" Etc. Etc. New York and London Harper & Brothers Publishers 1904 Copyright, 1903, by HARPER & BROTHERS. _All rights reserved._ Published April, 1904 TO YOU Contents CHAPTER PAGE I. THE CULINARY GUILD 1 II. A SUGGESTION FOR THE CABLE-CARS 16 III. THE TRANSATLANTIC TROLLEY COMPANY 31 IV. THE INCORPORATION OF THE IDIOT 47 V. UNIVERSITY EXTENSION 64 VI. SOCIAL EXPANSION 79 VII. A BEGGAR'S HAND-BOOK 96 VIII. PROGRESSIVE WAFFLES 112 IX. A CLEARING-HOUSE FOR POETS 127 X. SOME ELECTRICAL SUGGESTIONS 142 XI. CONCERNING CHILDREN 158 XII. DREAMALINE 172 THE INVENTIONS OF THE IDIOT I The Culinary Guild It was before the Idiot's marriage, and in the days when he was nothing more than a plain boarder in Mrs. Smithers-Pedagog's High-class Home for Single Gentlemen, that he put what the School-master termed his "alleged mind" on plans for the amelioration of the condition of the civilized. "The trials of the barbarian are really nothing as compared with the tribulations of civilized man," he said, as the waitress passed him a piece of steak that had been burned to a crisp. "In the Cannibal Islands a cook who would send a piece of broiled missionary to her employer's table in this condition would herself be roasted before another day had dawned. We, however, must grin and bear it, because our esteemed landlady cannot find anywhere in this town a woman better suited for the labors of the kitchen than the blank she has had the misfortune to draw in the culinary lottery, familiarly known to us, her victims, as Bridget." "This is an exceptional case," said Mr. Pedagog. "We haven't had a steak like this before in several weeks."