Though I never push myself forward, I have a face of brass, and yet my eyes can never look you straight in the face. I am fickle and changeable as the wind, yet I am a friend in adversity, and never desert those who do not first discard me. I may be the first to leave you; but in the hour of your utmost necessity you will acknowledge with a sigh _that I have been the last to desert my post_. I am frequently trusted, though I often betray. How many petitions may have been offered up to heaven for my coming, no man living can tell, and yet I appear every where. I have been in the earth, I have been in the sea, I have been in the air, I have been in the fire, and can endure unhurt, and with fortitude, greater extremities of heat and cold than any mortal. All the blows in the face I have ever received have never made me move a muscle. I have been crushed, but am sound and whole; and notwithstanding the contempt with which I have been treated (thanks to the present feelings of the age), am more and more respected every day--sought after indeed with eagerness, though seldom long retained. I am the beloved of schoolboys, but as quickly discarded by them. I attend churches and chapels, fairs and markets; yet though a friend and supporter of the Bible and many pious institutions, I am a heathen in religion, nor can I partake of any thing which I buy. Though my letters may be read by every body, I can neither read nor write. I am a proud stickler indeed in the school of aristocracy, for I never move out of my own circle; and with my associates, both male and female, am often nearly squeezed to death, according to the highest forms of fashionable usage. I have given birth to hundreds of thousands, and with me fortunes invariably expire. My existence may continue for a thousand years, nay, to the very end of time, and yet may be cut short in a moment. But if you destroy me, which it is certainly in your power to do, know that innumerable myriads are at my back, and always ready to replace me. Though committing no offence, I am liable to transportation without even a trial, but I am always well received after my return from exile. A master of all languages, but speaking none, I find my way in foreign countries without difficulty, for, though speechless, I am eloquent enough in my own way. From my features and head-dress you might suppose that I belonged to some Indian tribe, but I am British and Irish all over, and flourish best upon my own soil. I am an ever-welcome friend to the forlorn, but am myself very poor. I have a mint of money at my back, but am not worth three half-pence. At the moment you are reading this, you will indeed be wretched if you cannot command my services.