CURRAN, in cross-examining the chief witness of a plaintiff in an action for an assault, obliged him to acknowledge that the plaintiff had put his arm round the waist of Miss D----, which had provoked the defendant to strike him: "Then, sir, I presume," said Curran, "he took that _waist_ for _common_?" MCDLXXX.--A HOPELESS INVASION. ADMIRAL BRIDPORT, speaking of the threatened invasion by the French in 1798, dryly observed, "They might come as they could; for his own part, he could only say that they should not _come by water_." MCDLXXXI.--DROLL TO ORDER. ONE evening, a lady said to a small wit, "Come, Mr. ----, tell us a lively anecdote," and the poor fellow was mute during the remainder of the evening. "Favor me with your company on Wednesday evening, you are such a lion," said a weak party-giver to a young author. "I thank you," replied the wit; "but on that evening I am engaged _to eat fire_ at the Countess of ----, and _stand upon my head_ at Mrs. ----." MCDLXXXII.--MEN OF WEIGHT. IF fat men ride, they tire the horse, And if they walk themselves--that's worse: Travel at all, they are at best, Either oppressors or opprest. MCDLXXXIII.--CHEMICAL ODDITY. WHILE an ignorant lecturer was describing the nature of gas, a blue-stocking lady inquired of a gentleman near her, what was the difference between oxygin and hydrogin? "Very little, madam," said he; "by oxygin we mean pure _gin_; and by hydrogin, _gin and water_." MCDLXXXIV.--AN APISH RESEMBLANCE. CHARLES LAMB used to say, that he had a great dislike to monkeys, on the principle that "it was not pleasant to look upon one's _poor relations_." MCDLXXXV.--HE WHO SUNG "THE LAYS OF ANCIENT ROME." LORD MACAULAY, passing one day through the Seven Dials, bought a handful of ballads from some street-folks who were bawling out their contents to a gaping audience. Proceeding on his way home, he was astonished to find himself followed by half a score of urchins, their faces beaming with expectation. "Now then, my lads, what is it?" said he. "O, that's a good 'un," replied one of the boys, "after we've come all this way."--"But what are you waiting for?" said the historian, astonished at the lad's familiarity. "Waiting for! why ain't you going to _sing, guv'ner_?" MCDLXXXVI.--DEATH-BED FORGIVENESS. A VETERAN Highlander, between whose family and that of a neighboring chieftain had existed a long hereditary feud, being on his death-bed, was reminded that this was the time to forgive all his enemies, even he who had most injured him. "Well, be it so," said the old Gael, after a short pause, "be it so; go tell Kinmare I forgive him,--but my curses rest upon my son _if ever he does_." MCDLXXXVII.--A REASONABLE PREFERENCE. WHETHER tall men or short men are best, Or bold men, or modest and shy men, I can't say, but this I protest, All the fair are in favor of _Hy-men_.