MCDLXXXVIII.--A DEAR BARGAIN. QUIN was one day lamenting that he grew old, when a shallow impertinent young fellow said to him, "What would you give to be as young as I am?"--"By the powers," replied Quin, "I would even submit to be _almost as foolish_!" MCDLXXXIX.--SUGGESTIVE REPUDIATION. LORD BYRON was once asked by a friend in the green-room of the Drury Lane Theatre, whether he did not think Miss Kelly's acting in the "_Maid and the Magpie_" exceedingly natural. "I really am no _judge_," answered his lordship, "I was never _innocent_ of stealing a spoon." MCDXC.--NO INTRUSION. A LOQUACIOUS author, after babbling some time about his piece to Sheridan, said, "Sir, I fear I have been intruding on your attention."--"Not at all, I assure you," replied he, "I was thinking of _something else_." MCDXCI.--EXPERIMENTUM CRUCIS. A MERCHANT being asked to define the meaning of _experimental_ and _natural_ philosophy, said he considered the _first_ to be asking a man to discount a bill at a long date, and the _second_ his refusing to do it. MCDXCII.--NOT AT ALL ANXIOUS. A MAN very deeply in debt, being reprimanded by his friends for his disgraceful situation, and the _anxiety_ of a debtor being urged by them in very strong expressions: "Ah!" said he, "that may be the case with a person who _thinks_ of paying." MCDXCIII.--ODD HUMOR. WHEN Lord Holland was on his death-bed, his friend George Selwyn called to inquire how his Lordship was, and left his card. This was taken to Lord Holland, who said: "If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him into my room. If I am _alive_, I shall be glad to see him; if I am _dead_, I am sure that he will be delighted to see me." MCDXCIV.--A TICKLISH OPENING. HENRY ERSKINE happening to be retained for a client of the name of Tickle, began his speech in opening the case, thus: "Tickle, my client, the defendant, my lord,"--and upon proceeding so far was interrupted by laughter in court, which was increased when the judge (Lord Kaimes) exclaimed, "_Tickle him yourself_, Harry; you are as able to do so as I am." MCDXCV.--THE REPUBLIC OF LETTERS. HOOD suggests that the phrase "_republic_ of letters" was hit upon to insinuate that, taking the whole lot of authors together, they had not got a _sovereign_ amongst them. MCDXCVI.--AN OFFENSIVE PREFERENCE. A PERSON meeting with an acquaintance after a long absence, told him that he was surprised to see him, for he had heard that he was dead. "But," says the other, "you find the report false."--"'Tis hard to determine," he replied, "for the man that told me was one whose word I would _sooner take than yours_." MCDXCVII.--SELF-CONDEMNATION.