Had they ever, he asked himself, the hard-faced
houses, which had begun to look livid in the dim dawn, had they ever
spoken so little to any need of his spirit? Great builded voids, great
crowded stillnesses put on, often, in the heart of cities, for the small
hours, a sort of sinister mask, and it was of this large collective
negation that Brydon presently became conscious--all the more that the
break of day was, almost incredibly, now at hand, proving to him what a
night he had made of it.
He looked again at his watch, saw what had become of his time-values (he
had taken hours for minutes--not, as in other tense situations, minutes
for hours) and the strange air of the streets was but the weak, the
sullen flush of a dawn in which everything was still locked up. His
choked appeal from his own open window had been the sole note of life,
and he could but break off at last as for a worse despair. Yet while so
deeply demoralised he was capable again of an impulse denoting--at least
by his present measure--extraordinary resolution; of retracing his steps
to the spot where he had turned cold with the extinction of his last
pulse of doubt as to there being in the place another presence than his
own. This required an effort strong enough to sicken him; but he had his
reason, which over-mastered for the moment everything else. There was
the whole of the rest of the house to traverse, and how should he screw
himself to that if the door he had seen closed were at present open? He
could hold to the idea that the closing had practically been for him an
act of mercy, a chance offered him to descend, depart, get off the ground
and never again profane it. This conception held together, it worked;
but what it meant for him depended now clearly on the amount of
forbearance his recent action, or rather his recent inaction, had
engendered. The image of the "presence" whatever it was, waiting there
for him to go--this image had not yet been so concrete for his nerves as
when he stopped short of the point at which certainty would have come to
him. For, with all his resolution, or more exactly with all his dread,
he did stop short--he hung back from really seeing. The risk was too
great and his fear too definite: it took at this moment an awful specific
form.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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