I am alive. It is evening now. It is past four. I am lying down and can not fall asleep. My heart aches. I am tired out. I hear through the window--they play tennis and are laughing. S. went away to the Shenshins.[118] Every one is well, but I am sad and can not master myself. It is like the feeling I had when St. Thomas[119] locked me in and I heard through my prison how every one was gay and was laughing. But I don’t want to. One must suffer humiliation and be good. I can do it. I continue to copy: 1) The disbelief in reason is the source of all evil. This disbelief is reached by the teaching of a distorted faith from childhood. Believe in one miracle and the trust in reason is destroyed. 2) ... 3) Christianity does not give happiness but safety; it lets you down to the bottom from which there is no place to fall. 4) I rode horseback from Tula and thought about this; that I am a part of Him, separated in a certain way from other such parts, and He is everything, the Father, and I felt love, just love, for Him. Now, especially now, I not only can not reproduce this feeling, but not even recall it. But I was so joyful that I said to myself: Here I was thinking that I can not learn anything new and suddenly I acquired a wonderful blessed new feeling, a real feeling. 5) What humbug[120]--beauty, truth, goodness! Beauty is one of those attributes of outer objects, like health, an attribute of the living body. Truth is not the ideal of science. The ideal of science is knowledge, not truth. The good can not be placed on the plane with either of these, because it is the goal of life. (It is unclear, but it was clear and will be.) 6) I do not remember good works, because they are outside of the material man--of memory. _August 1, Ysn. Pol. If I live._--which is doubtful. My heart aches very much.... It is dreadful to think how much time has elapsed; a month and a half. _To-day, Sept. 14, Y. P._ During this time I took a trip to the monastery with Sonya.[121]... I wrote on _Hadji-Murad_[122] very poorly, a first draft. I have continued my work on the Declaration of Faith. The Chertkovs have gone away.... All three sons are here now with their wives.[123] There was a letter from the Hollander who has refused to serve.[124] I wrote a preface to the letter.[125] I wrote a letter also to Mme. Kalmikov[126] with very sharp statements about the Government. The whole month and a half has been condensed in this. Oh, yes; I have also been ill from my usual sickness and my stomach is still not strong. One thing more. During this time there was a letter from the Hindu Tod and an exquisite book of Hindu wisdom, _Ioga’s Philosophy_.[127] In the meantime I thought: