The night, however, passed away without any misfortune. Then two days
went by without any noticeable change in the patient's condition.
Between her and Lazare a new bond had sprung up; the thought of death
was with them. Pauline made no further allusion to her critical
condition; she even forced herself to look cheerful; and Lazare, too,
succeeded in feigning perfect tranquillity, complete confidence in
seeing her leave her bed in a few days' time; yet both knew that they
were ever bidding each other good-bye in the long, loving glances which
their eyes exchanged. At night-time especially, as Lazare sat watching
by the girl's bedside, they recognised that each other's thoughts were
of that threatened eternal separation which kept them so reflective and
silent. Never before had they experienced such melting sadness or felt
such a complete blending of their beings.
One morning, as the sun was rising, Lazare felt quite astonished at the
calmness with which he was able to contemplate the idea of death. He
ransacked his memory, and he could only recall one occasion since the
commencement of Pauline's illness when he had felt a cold shudder at
the thought of ceasing to be. He had trembled, indeed, at the idea of
losing his companion; but that was another kind of fear, into which no
thought of the destruction of his own personality entered. His heart
bled within him, indeed, but it seemed as though this combat which he
was waging with death put him upon an equality with the foe, and gave
him courage to look it calmly in the face. Perhaps, too, his fatigue
and anxiety filled him with a drowsiness and weariness which numbed his
personal fears. He closed his eyes so that he might not see the rising
sun, and tried to recall all his old thrills of horror, by telling
himself that he, too, would have to die some day. But no reply came;
all that seemed to have become quite indifferent to him and to have
ceased to have any power to affect him. Even his pessimism seemed to
disappear in the presence of that sick-bed; and, far from plunging him
into hatred and contempt of the world, his mutinous outburst against
suffering was but a passionate longing for robust health, a wild love
of life. He no longer talked of blowing the earth into bits, as a
worn-out and uninhabitable planet. The one image which ever haunted
his mind was Pauline, hearty once more and walking with him arm in
arm beneath the bright sunshine; the only craving he felt was to lead
her, gay and firm of step, along the paths through which they had once
rambled together.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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