Then, because he felt he was on the threshold of something new,
and because all men, the strongest and weakest alike, are afraid,
desperately afraid, of everything which they know nothing of, he became
suddenly frightened.
What would this thing be? he asked himself. What would happen to
himself when he had done it? Would he have raised his dead permanently?
Would they refuse to be buried again now that he had of his own will
perpetuated them in his art? And Margery, what would she have to say to
the ghosts she would not allow him to tell her about?
But he was not a coward, and he did not mean to turn back because
of this sudden spasm of fright. He would begin to-morrow; he could
not help beginning at once, for, as he often told Margery, when the
idea was ready he had to record it; the artist's inexorable need for
expression could not be gainsaid or trifled with. It must come out.
Frank Trevor had a very mobile face, a face which his feelings played
on freely as a breeze ruffling a moorland pool of water. His dark-gray
eyes, set deep under their black eyebrows, were kindled and glowing
with excitement. In such moments he looked strikingly handsome, though
his features, taken singly, were not faultless. His mouth was too short
and too full-lipped for actual beauty; but now, as he sat there, the
very eagerness and vitality that came and went, as now one aspect of
his idea and now another struck him, gave a fineness to every feature
that made it worthy of an admiration which a more perfectly moulded
face might well have failed to deserve.
But there was another fear as well, a fear so fantastic that he was
almost ashamed of it; but, as he thought of it, it grew upon him. He
had always felt when he painted a portrait that virtue went out of him;
that he put actually a part of his personality into his picture. What,
then, would happen if he painted his own portrait completely? He knew
his idea was fantastic and unreasonable; but the fear--a fear again
of something that was new--was there, lurking in a shaded corner of
his mind. But of this he could speak to Margery, and Margery's cool,
smiling way of dealing with phantasms always had a most evaporating
effect on them. Of the other fear he had wished to speak to her once,
but she did not wish to hear, and he wished to speak to her of it no
longer.
He looked at his watch and found it was nearly tea-time; he had been
there over two hours, and he wondered to himself whether it had seemed
more like two years or two minutes. He rose to go, but before leaving
the room he took a long look round it, feeling that he was looking at
it for perhaps the last time; at any rate, that it could never look the
same again.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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