She closed her eyes, and he watched and waited through minutes that were
hours. It seemed to him that it was another man than he who waited and
watched. He was estranged from his former self, the virtuous, laborious
self that he had once known, moving in its dull and desolate routine.
Thoughts came to him, terrible, abominable thoughts that could never have
occurred to it.
[Illustration: "Thoughts came to him, terrible thoughts"]
"It would have been better," said this new self, "if I had been unfaithful
to her. _That_ wouldn't have killed her."
As if she had heard him through some spiritual sense, she pressed his hand
and answered him.
"Thank God," she whispered, hoarsely, "that you've always loved me."
She struggled with her voice for a moment; then it came, brave and clear.
"Listen, Arthur. I wrote to mother three weeks ago. About this. I've made
her think that it was I who wanted the children, always, from the very
first. She'll understand that I couldn't be happy without a baby in my
arms. It _is_ different. They're never quite the same after the first
year. Even Arty wasn't. Mother will understand. She won't be hard."
She had provided for everything. It was her lie that proved the extremity
of her fear, her foreboding.
If only she had not lied!
Somehow, in the seven years of his married life, he had never seen this
calamity in front of him. His dreams had always been of a time when their
children should be out in the world, when he saw himself walking with his
wife in some quiet country place, like Queningford.
If she had not lied!
He sought for calm words wherewith to support her; but no words came. He
clutched at the bedclothes. His eyes were blind with tears, his ears
deafened by the sound of his own pulses.
In a moment the seven years were unveiled. He had a sudden vision of
Aggie's incorruptible love and divine tenderness before his grief closed
over him.
Her eyes were resting upon his.
"I'm not afraid," she said; "not the least little bit. I'd rather you went
away to-morrow. I don't--mind--being left."
But when to-morrow came it was he who was left.
He was sitting in the room underneath Aggie's. He had a pen in his hand,
and his mind was unusually calm and clear. He had just telegraphed to his
brother that he couldn't go--because Aggie was dead. Now he was trying to
write to Aggie's mother to tell her to come--because Aggie was dead.
He had a great many things to see to--because Aggie was dead.
All at once he raised his head; he listened; he started up with a groan
that was a cry, and went from the room.
Up-stairs in the nursery a child's voice was singing:
"'I saw a ship a-sailing, a-sailing on the sea.
And it was full of pretty things--for Baby--and for me.'"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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